Tag Archives: Steve Williams

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – Semifinals!

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 – Match 19 – Match 20 – Match 21
Match 22 – Match 23 – Match 24 – Quarterfinal 1 – Quarterfinal 2

Four will enter, but only TWO will leave! We’ve got a semifinal spectucular of sensational scope for you tonight, as the best of the best, the CREAM OF THE CROP, square off for a shot at glory! TONIGHT!

SEMIFINAL 1: GIGANT BORGART v. STEEL JAMES

GIGANT BORGART

  • Nickname: The Mad Express
  • FPWR Profile: “Tramples rivals like a runaway train.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’3″/331 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Giant Bernard, Prince Albert, Albert, A-Train, Tensai
  • Victims: Mascara Eagle 2Giant Rozhmov, Blood Love

When you’ve racked up five distinct pseudonyms, you’re either a failed poet or a legitimate threat to humanity. We’ll let you guess which of those things Gigant Borgart is, but let’s just say that the man writes one hell of a haiku. A lot of fearsome opponents have found themselves smeared on the tracks of the “Mad Express:” Blood. Giant. Mascara. Well, maybe that last one isn’t so menacing. But whatever. This freight train appears to be heading towards the finals. Who dares to stand in its way?

STEEL JAMES

  • Nickname: Dr. Cruelty
  • FPWR Profile: “He’s the most feared rival in the States.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’2″/271 lbs.
  • A/K/A: “Dr. Death” Steve Williams
  • Victims: Andy SpiralsDeucy James, Dynamic Kid

Tonight, Dr. Cruelty may just get a taste of his own medicine. He’s been administering lethal injections of pain to cruiserweights – he outweighed his heaviest opponent by nearly 40 pounds. Borgart outweighs James by about 60 pounds. Tonight, for the first time, Steel will test his mettle against a larger opponent.

Just because he’s outweighed, though, doesn’t mean he’s outgunned. They don’t call his finish the Murder Backdrop for nothing. Folks, one thing’s for sure: this will not be pretty.


LET’S SEMIFINALS!

Let it be known: barbed wire landmines only make Borgart angrier. Perhaps looking to neutralize his opponent’s weight advantage, James went to the barbed wire early. Unfortunately for him, this only seemed to rouse our slumbering Gigant, who bent Steel to his will at 9:18 with his signature Neck Hanging Bomb.


 SEMIFINAL 2: GREAT SHIBA v. KERRY BOGGY

GREAT SHIBA

  • Nickname: Super Giant
  • FPWR Profile: “The giant from India suddenly emerged.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 7’2/441 lbs.
  • A/K/A: The Great Khali
  • Victims: G.O. BrightKAZUYA, Big G. Bull

I don’t know if there’s anything more to say about Great Shiba. Despite his limited wrestling prowess, he’s performed admirably well, taking out three legends, including faux Bruiser Brody. The man is, quite simply, exceptionally large. Nobody in this tournament can afford to take Shiba lightly.

I mean, just look at the man.

khaliaxe

Really, take a nice long gander. If FPWR‘s statistics are accurate, that axe has gotta be north of 7’6″. So just remember, when you’re in the ring with this guy, you’re in the ring with a man that can swing an axe taller than the overwhelming majority of the Earth’s population. Shiba is a legitimate danger – but you know what the crazy thing is? His opponent JUST. DOES. NOT. CARE.

KERRY BOGGY

  • Nickname: Dr. Nuke
  • FPWR Profile: “His deadly power is atomic.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’4″/298 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Terry Gordy
  • Victims: Kerry TexanCrazy Rose, Sumo

Hey, do you see that? Enhance.

Gordyphase2

No. The right eye. Enhance,

Gordyphase3

Closer! Closer, damn you! ENHANCE!

Gordyphase5

CONFOUND IT MAN! RIGHT IN THE PUPIL. ENHANCE RIGHT INTO KERRY BOGGY’S SOUL!

Gordyphase7

Whoa.

gordyphase7WHOA…. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…

gordyphase8

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH…..! Huh?

gordyvan

No… words… should have sent… a… poet. Our savior has arrived. At the heart of Kerry Boggy’s soul lies the ultimate symbol of American cultural superiority – a completely badass airbrushed van. So pure, so simple… so… I’m sorry, I can’t type any more, the tears are making it tough to see.

At the core of it all… there’s just a sweet ass van. And Great Shiba WILL-NOT-TOUCH-THAT-VAN. USA! USA! USA!

Animated American Flag


LET’S SEMIFINALS!

Lady and gentleman, I am not a patriotic person, but I submit to you that there is nothing more American than Kerry Boggy/Terry Gordy. I have never been prouder to be an American and a former van owner than right now.

But something tells me that Borgart just won’t care. And you know what, Boggy will probably like it that way. Which is why you should come back next time for the THRILLING CONCLUSION! Our long odyssey draws to a close in the FINALS! – NEXT!

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – The Quarterfinals Begin!

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 – Match 19 – Match 20 – Match 21
Match 22 – Match 23 – Match 24

TONIGHT – The bios are done, and all that’s left is BLOODSHED! We proudly present to you a double dose of DEATH and DESTRUCTION as we inch ever closer to the finals!

QUARTERFINAL 1: GIGANT BORGART v. BLOOD LOVE

GIGANT BORGART

giantbernardq

  • Nickname: The Mad Express
  • FPWR Profile: “Tramples rivals like a runaway train.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’3″/331 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Giant Bernard, Prince Albert, Albert, A-Train, Tensai
  • Victims: Mascara Eagle 2Giant Rozhmov

AlbertGigant Borgart, former body piercing enthusiast and hip hop hippo, has made quite an impression in the Briefcase Cup. There’s no question that this international superstar was BIG IN JAPAN. Don’t believe us? Just look at his list of victims: he convincingly defeated FPWR‘s unlicensed versions of Alberto Del Rio and André the Giant. The “Mad Express” has no intention of stopping tonight: it’s scheduled to run straight through to the semis.

BLOOD LOVE

brethartq

  • Nickname: Blood Venom
  • FPWR Profile: “Hero of Canada.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’/243 lbs.
  • A/K/A: “The Excellence of Execution” Bret Hart
  • Victims: Smasher GigasBritish Azteca

IBret Hartf anybody can derail Borgart’s train, it’s Blood Love. A former WWF and WCW champion, he’s often referred to as “the best there ever will be.” A mat wrestling genius, he should have more than enough scientifc skill to match against Borgart’s brawn. While he’s giving up nearly 90 pounds to his opponent, Blood has no problem felling giants: he excellently executed the much larger Smasher Gigas in Round 1. We should have a real pier 2 brawl on our hands here, folks!


 QUARTERFINALING GO!

This was just like the director’s cut of David and Goliath. The one where the sling breaks, Goliath throws David into the barbed wire landmines, and we learn no moral lessons whatsoever. Gigant Borgart becomes a legit legend killer as he delivers a biblical beatdown to Blood Love with a Hawaiian Smasher (which looks a lot like an F5) at 13:02!


 QUARTERFINAL 2: STEEL JAMES v. DYNAMIC KID

STEEL JAMES

doctordeathq

  • Nickname: Dr. Cruelty
  • FPWR Profile: “He’s the most feared rival in the States.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’2″/271 lbs.
  • A/K/A: “Dr. Death” Steve Williams
  • Victims: Andy SpiralsDeucy James

DrDeathAt this point, we’re pretty sure this man is not a doctor. In fact, he brutally murdered his last two patients, FPWR‘s cut rate versions of AJ Styles and Petey Williams. If he takes out one more cruiserweight, he might classify as a serial killer. I guess that’s to be expected from a man that was part of a team called the Miracle Violence Connection. Nurse, we need 50ccs of MAYHEM. STAT.

DYNAMIC KID

dynamitekidq

  • Nickname: Mad Bomber
  • FPWR Profile: “Overwhelms opponents with his small body.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 5’10″/231 lbs.
  • A/K/A: The Dynamite Kid
  • Victims: Curry MaskJorsh Hornet

DynamiteKidIt doesn’t matter if you’re an MMA legend or a… uhh… curry person, Dynamic Kid brings the explosive offense all the same. Dynamic packs a lot of energy into that compact frame of his, and matches up well with just about any opponent. He’s already wrestled a five-star classic against Curry Mask/Curry Man and defeated Jorsh Hornet/Josh Barnett in a brutal slugfest. Whatever tools Dr. Cruelty brings to the operating table tonight, Dynamic has shown us that he’s ready to respond in kind.


QUARTERFINALING GO!

Call the FBI. We’ve got a maniac in a red singlet systematically targeting white males under 235 pounds. Steel James takes a beating (and a headbutt to the pills), but buries Dynamic Kid at 11:06 with an avalanche hold.

NEXT TIME: We finish the quarterfinals!

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – Match 19

MATCH 19: “DR. CRUELTY” STEEL JAMES v. DEUCY “THE SHOCK” JAMES

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 

JAMES against JAMES! Will Doctor Cruelty administer a lethal dose of pain? Will Deucy James deliver some excessive shock treatment? Will this tournament ever end? Does this look infected to you? The answer to these questions, and SO many more… TONIGHT!

VIOLENCE GET!

STEEL JAMES

Briefcase Cup Match 5 - Steel James v. Andy Spirals Screenshot 2015-03-16 18-58-54

DrDeathBackdropWe last saw Steel James, who is somehow not a porn star, back in Match 5, where he brutally murdered the much smaller Andy Spirals in just 8:21. To be fair, Spirals may still be alive, but there are only two doctors in this tournament; one of them is fighting in this match, and the other one is his tag team partner. They won’t be providing any urgent care to their competitors.

As we covered during his first match, Steel James is more or less the late “Doctor Death” Steve Williams, who will go down as history as one of the greatest gaijins to wrestle in Japan. If you’ve ever heard anybody call a gutwrench sitout powerbomb a “Doctor Bomb” – and really, who hasn’t heard that one around the water cooler – it’s because Williams had that particular maneuver down to a science.

This man has a PhD in pain! A doctorate in destruction! He put the MD in MURDER! Why can’t they all be doctors? This practically writes itself! In any event, Spirals barely landed a hand on him in Round 1, so Steel James should be more than ready to go against….

DEUCY JAMES

Briefcase Cup Match 6 -Deucy James v. Raja Dunk Screenshot 2015-03-16 19-00-14

PeteyWilliams2… Deucy “The Shock” James! While he’s not “The Shock Master” (you didn’t think I could write more than 32,000 words on wrestling and not reference that once, did you? They’d kick me off the Internet), he is “The Canadian Destroyer” Petey Williams. Do you see what they did with the last names there? Did ya’?

Deucy had a rough go of it in the first round. While he defeated our sole female competitor, Raja Dunk, our non-existent ringside physicians estimate that he lost nearly 15 cubic hockey pucks worth of blood in the process. Hockey pucks are the official volumetric measurement unit of 9 Canadian provinces. Québec measures its fluids by beaver pelt displacement. Don’t bother looking that up, it’s a FACT.

During his career, Petey Williams earned a reputation as one of the world’s premier light heavyweights in TNA’s X Division, where he somehow made the most implausible maneuver of all time a show-stopping highlight:

Petey was a frequent competitor of “The Phenomenal One” AJ Styles – you could almost say that he was the Canadian equivalent AJ Styles. AJ Styles made it in to FPWR as Andy Spirals. As noted above, Steel James murdered Andy Spirals. Deucy had better hope that Steel James can do a backward roll.


LET’S WRESTLING!

A day late and 15 pucks short. A Murder Backdrop and a Doctor Bomb cinch it up for the elder James at the 8:26 mark!

NEXT TIME: Kids play with Hornets!

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – Match 5

MATCH 5: “DR. CRUELTY” STEEL JAMES v. “THE MOVEMENT” ANDY SPIRALS

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4

As our cavalcade of calamitous carnage continues, will anything be able to top the brutality of Match 4? Tonight, we’ll find out, as “The Movement” receives a grueling physical exam from “Dr. Cruelty!” Get ready for some medical malpractice… TONIGHT. Or today, I guess, if you’re reading this at work.

STEEL JAMES

DrDeath

DeathOklahomaOur two loyal readers will note that “Dr. Cruelty” Steel James bears a striking resemblance to “Dr. Death” Steve Williams. As an All-American collegiate wrestler out of Oklahoma State, Dr. Death earned a reputation as a legitimate tough guy long before he ever set foot in the squared circle. A proud Oklahoma alumnus, Dr. Death was known to wrestle in the colors of this alma mater.  At times, he even wore his collegiate singlet to the ring. Visually, this is as spot on as FPWR ripoffs get.

Throughout his career, Dr. Death employed many finishers. Here, he’s using his famous Backdrop Driver, albeit under the pseudonym “Murder Backdrop.” I think you’ll agree that this false name is more than appropriate:

I mean, holy crap. I think I need spinal fusion surgery after watching that.

Why is he “the most feared rival in the States?” That, loyal readers, is a damn good question. Unquestionably, Dr. Death had an impressive run in the US territory system in during the ’80s, winning the NWA Mid-Atlantic Championship, the UWF World Heavyweight, and numerous other accolades. That being said, he’s much more well-known for his accomplishments outside American borders. So let’s make up a reason: Steel James is “the most feared rival in the States” because he’s from America, the most fearsome country in the world, and I can’t think of anybody scarier than him. Here’s a clip of him beating the living hell out of people set to “I Love it Loud” by Kiss:

Like Giant Borgart, Steel James is a proud member of Olive Japan Pro Wrestling. This would explain why his real life counterpart appears in All Japan Pro Wrestling’s officially licensed game. If there’s one thing we can extrapolate from exploring all of the shamelessly stolen likenesses in FPWR, it’s that having your visage officially licensed in Japan should be viewed as tremendous accomplishment.

Still not satisfied that he was BIG IN JAPAN? Okay, let’s do this:

Up until his untimely death in 2009, Steve Williams was the epitome of BIG IN JAPAN. By all rights and measures, Steel James should be a force to be reckoned with.

ANDY SPIRALS

AJStyles

Andy Spirals should be immediately recognizable as mid-aughts A.J. Styles by his borderline homophonic name. If the name alone isn’t convincing you, then his grammatically repugnant finisher, the Spirals’s Crush, should be clearly recognizable as a tribute to the infamous Styles Clash:

Mr. Spirals’ nickname, the “Movement,” seems to be a failed attempt at capturing the spirit of the “Phenomenal” prefix often affixed to A.J.’s name. FPWR‘s developers may have avoided a lawsuit, but this nickname, almost literally, is pretty crappy.

Like Andy Spirals’ profile suggests, when FPWR went gold, A.J. was routinely “wowing audiences with tricky moves” all across America. His jaw-droppiong performances in the early aughts helped established TNA Wrestling and Ring of Honor as legitimate American promotions. Let’s just take a look:

A.J. Styles may go down in history as one of the greatest American wrestlers never to appear in WWE. He’s held virtually every championship TNA has to offer, not to mention countless other titles across the American independent scene.

These days, it goes without question that A.J. Styles is BIG IN JAPAN; mere months ago, he captured one of the greatest prizes in all of Japanese wrestling, the IWGP Heavyweight Championship. But that was in 2014. The very fact that A.J. received a doppelganger in FPWR is proof that he was well-respected and well-known upon the game’s release. But compared to Dr. Death? He was downright small. Things don’t look so hot for Andy Spirals.


LET’S WRESTLING!

Oh God. Mr. Spirals? Mr. Spirals? Can you tell me what time is it Mr. Spirals? Andy, do you know where you are? Can you hear me, Mr. Spirals….? Call it nurse. Time of death: 8:21. There’s just no cure for the MURDER BACKDROP.

NEXT TIME: The Briefcase Cup gets politically correct, as we serve up a healthy dose of INTERGENDER MADNESS.