Tag Archives: Playstation 2

Beat Down: Fists of Vengeance

Beat Down: Fists of Vengeance
PlayStation 2, 2005
Developer: Cavia
Publisher: Capcom

Suppose Grand Theft Auto and Tekken had a beautiful child. With the solid brawling mechanics of a fighting game and the free-roaming edginess of a sandbox crime game, this child would have been destined for greatness; a perfect storm of depth, complexity, and replay value. But what if I were to tell you that this child hated its parents? That it eschewed its inheritance? That it hated the concept of being a video game so much that it gave up all its aspirations, dropped out of college at age 20, and became a creepy townie? That game, my friends, is Beatdown: Fists of Vengeance.

Beat Down Fists of Vengeance Screenshot 2015-03-05 19-21-29
If you ever meet a man in a flaming tracksuit named Val, run.

But hey, let’s be honest, creepy townies know how to party, and I’m not ashamed to say that I had a good time throwing back a few with Beatdown. I’m not sure if it was the good time its creators intended, but it was a good time nonetheless.

Set in the fictional city of Las Sombras, the action in Beatdown is held together by a patchwork of cliched revenge narratives. You play as one of five gangsters, who have been framed for… I don’t know. I played this game for over ten hours, and I have no idea what my motivation was. There was a plot, though. Here’s the beginning:

And, if you’re not spoiler averse, here is the end. In between? Let’s just say this sandwich doesn’t have any meat. The less you think about it, the better; in Beatdown, you’ve been wronged, and your ultimate goal is to beat up the people that have wronged you. Beatdown’s story serves only to point you towards the end of the game. The less said about it the better; it literally makes no sense.

While Beatdown has a critical path consisting of a dozen or so missions, you’ll usually find that your character is somewhat underpowered to deal with them as they arise. As such, you spend most of Beatdown wandering the streets of Las Sombras randomly assaulting its citizens to gain the money, power and experience necessary to progress. This is where Beatdown gets interesting.

Beat Down Fists of Vengeance Screenshot 2015-03-18 19-35-39
Them’s fightin’ words pal. RALPH! CROWE! Let’s get ‘im!

In Grand Theft Auto, or any of its numerous clones, you’d accomplish this feat by randomly slugging a pedestrian and taking whatever cash or items they had on hand. Beatdown doesn’t let you do that. Before you can assault anybody, you have to actually TALK to them. And you know what? The citizens of Las Sombras aren’t actually bad people. Some of them are a little antisocial, but the overwhelming majority of them seem content to give you a little bit of advice, pay you a compliment, or simply ask your opinion about something wholly irrelevant. Take, for example, this dude:

Beat Down Fists of Vengeance Second Session Screenshot 2015-04-14 20-49-25
Why, yes. Hoosiers is my favorite film.

This tracksuited fellow can always be found jogging in comically small circles at the Las Sombras basketball courts. Should you interrupt his workout, he’ll cheerfully inquire as to whether you like the sport of basketball. You can answer him however you like. Should you say “yes,” he’ll confide in you that he once hoped to make it to the pros. Should you say “no,” he’ll simply encourage you to give the sport another try. Regardless of your response, you’re then presented with the opportunity to beat the ever-loving dogshit out of him – and there’s really no compelling reason not to. Theoretically, you COULD just go on your merry way, contemplating your own hoop dreams, but to do so would be to forfeit the cash and experience that you need to press onward in your ill-defined quest for revenge. So it goes.

Beat Down Fists of Vengeance Session 8 Screenshot 2015-04-16 21-15-28
I SAID “NO SMOKING!”

But you can’t just go around chatting up citizens and indiscriminately cold-cocking them willy-nilly, oh no. You see, in Beatdown, your character is being hunted by both the police and rival mobsters. This means that you have two separate “wanted” levels to keep an eye on. The violence you inflict on citizens causes your notoriety with both groups to rise, rendering you prone to random assaults from roving gangs of thugs and police patrols. In most open-world games, simply lying low for a while would cause the heat to die down – but not in Beatdown. Once you’ve raised the ire of your enemies, they’ll stay on you until you affirmatively do something to shake them off.

That “something” is changing your appearance. The “best” way to do this is to get plastic surgery, physically altering your character’s facial features. This will decrease the attention you receive from both cops and robbers. Makes sense, right? They can’t catch you if they can’t recognize you.

Beat Down Fists of Vengeance Session 8 Screenshot 2015-04-18 09-07-31
That’s a $3,000 chin, punk.

For the overwhelming majority of the game, though, plastic surgery is far too expensive a remedy to consider. A new face costs $3,000, and your average citizen is usually carrying less than $20. This means you’ll have to resort to simply changing your clothes or getting a haircut. Each article of clothing you put on impacts BOTH of your wanted levels – some mask you from mobsters while attracting the police, and vice versa. Now, theoretically, this could be an interesting little meta-game, requiring you to carefully engineer your outfit as to garner the absolute minimum amount of attention from your pursuers. Except this whole system is broken. Completely and utterly broken. Just look at this:

Beat Down Fists of Vengeance Session 8 Screenshot 2015-04-16 20-53-35
He must work out.

There’s no delicate way to state this: dressing like a transvestite hooker always seems to reduce your notoriety to its absolute lowest. You want to walk through the raindrops in Las Sombras? Put on a gold lamé bra and a mini skirt. No one will notice you, I promise. If anyone catches you, you can always switch to a pair of daisy dukes and your favorite Hawaiian shirt.

Beat Down Fists of Vengeance Screenshot 2015-03-09 12-38-54

Keep their eyes on your toned ass, and you can get away with murder. That’s what my grandpap always said, anyway.

Suffice it to say, then, you’ll spend most of Beatdown running around dressed like a gender-confused maniac, engaging people in idle conversation, only to inflict horrific violence on them moments later. It feels like a sociopath simulator more than anything else. And you know what? It’s so absurd, it’s actually kind of fun. Don’t take it from me – take it from Canadian rock legends, Loverboy.

That took three nights to piece together, but I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.

Now, if you were watching closely, you might have noticed that occasionally, you are presented with the option to “negotiate” with some of Las Sombras’ residents. “Negotiating” offers the chance to either interrogate, recruit, or rob the citizen in question. “Interrogating” occasionally results in useful information, but more often than not, it yields a useless gameplay tip. “Robbing” is similarly unappealing, simply giving you the option to extract more money from your victim than usual. Recruiting them, though – that’s where the action’s at.

“Recruit” is shorthand for “violently conscript into criminal service.” Once you’ve recruited a new gang member, they’ll follow you around the map, blindly accompanying you into whatever danger you lead them, whether it’s taking down a drug cartel or simply beating up that hobo outside the free clinic.

Beat Down Fists of Vengeance - Session 6 Screenshot 2015-04-15 20-49-55
THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO NEGOTIATE!

It bears mentioning that Beatdown has a needlessly complex combat system. Whenever you attempt to recruit a random thug or encounter a boss character, the game takes on the trappings of a fighting game, putting you in a one on one battle against your opponent. There’s sidesteps, juggles, parries, and all sorts of other fighting-gamey things. Each playable character also has cavernously deep move list. You can even learn new moves by beating up an elderly bartender. It’s all surprisingly robust, if not completely unrefined and unnecessary. On the default difficulty, you can simply get away with mashing punch and kick most of the time.

Beat Down Fists of Vengeance Screenshot 2015-03-18 20-48-16

Beatdown also has a number of side-missions, which you can do to earn a little extra scratch to put towards a new halter top. Most of these seem to be either absurd, improperly programmed, or both. Take, for example, the following mission, wherein I was tasked with infiltrating a warehouse to steal some drugs.

Beat Down Fists of Vengeance Screenshot 2015-04-16 21-24-30

Hmm. Looks like the guard won’t let me in unless I’ve got the right ink. Time to go to the free clinic to get a tribal tattoo. Yes, the only place to get tattoos is the free clinic. Astonishingly, everything at the free clinic costs money.

Beat Down Fists of Vengeance Screenshot 2015-04-16 21-26-27

Being either drunk or stupid, I blatantly ignored the option to get a tribal tattoo, instead choosing to get a beautiful rose permanently etched into my upper thigh. That should be good enough, right? That won’t rouse any suspicion from the cartel.

Beat Down Fists of Vengeance Screenshot 2015-04-16 21-27-19

See! What did I tell you? All you have to do is pull down your jorts, show the nice man your rose tattoo, and you can take all the drugs you want. This town isn’t so bad.

Like any good deadbeat townie pal, if Beatdown is guilty of anything, it’s a failure to thrive. It’s got nothing but potential. Solid graphics, a competent fighting system, decent production values… hell, it was published by Capcom. But Beatdown just doesn’t care. What’s the point in trying? It can do crime, but it’s never going to be GTA. If it wanted to, it could be a decent fighting game… but why try. It’s never going to be Tekken. It might as well just sit on its parents couch and coast.

Beat Down Fists of Vengeance Second Session Screenshot 2015-04-14 20-52-54
I’m clearly dressed for work, so yes.

But somewhere in this beautiful disaster, there’s fun to be found. It’s just ridiculous enough to keep you playing. Like your townie pal, you’ll probably forget Beatdown in a few years, but you’ll be happy to have it around before you move on to better things.


I can safely say I got my money’s worth out of Beatdown. It only cost me two bucksPlayed on original hardware, upscaled to 1080p through a Micomsoft Framemeister. All footage and screens captured through an ElGato HD60.

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – GRAND FINAL!

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 – Match 19 – Match 20 – Match 21
Match 22 – Match 23 – Match 24 – Quarterfinal 1 – Quarterfinal 2
Semifinals

TONIGHT – It all comes to a head. From a field of 32 brazen wrasslin’ ripoffs, we’ve whittled away all but two. Who is the fiercest fraud? The most sensational stand-in? THE DEADLIEST DOPPELGANGER? We’re going to answer these questions the only way we know how: by putting two goliaths in a wrestling ring, surrounding it with barbed wire and explosives, and letting nature take its course! Borgart. Boggy. It’s the GRAND FINAL of the Briefcase Cup!

GRAND FINAL: GIGANT BORGART v. KERRY BOGGY!

GIGANT BORGART

  • Nickname: The Mad Express
  • FPWR Profile: “Tramples rivals like a runaway train.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’3″/331 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Giant Bernard, Prince Albert, Albert, A-Train, Tensai
  • Victims: Mascara Eagle 2Giant Rozhmov, Blood Love, Steel James

As we discussed back in Match 2, professional wrestler Matt Bloom has mangled his opponents under many different monikers. He began his career in the WWE as “Prince Albert,” the bodyguard and “personal piercer” of Darren Drozdov. Later, that was shortened to just “Albert,” and “Albert” gave-way to “A-Train.” Most recently, he bulldozed his way through the WWE as Lord Tensai.

Briefcase Cup Match 17 - Giant Rozhmov v. Gigant  Borgart Screenshot 2015-04-07 20-23-17

All of these personas, though, pale in comparison to Bloom’s run as Giant Bernard. As Giant Bernard, Bloom cast a menacing shadow over Japanese wrestling. He captured the New Japan Cup in 2006. He challenged for the All Japan Triple Crown Championship and the IWGP Heavyweight Championship. That’s just the very tip of the iceberg, folks – he collected no small number of tag belts and other accolades. In the Briefcase Cup, Bernard’s stand-in, Gigant Borgart, has been no frills and all kills, demolishing FPWR‘s versions of Alberto Del Rio, André the Giant, Bret Hart, and Steve Williams. He’s ruthlessly cut down giants, technicians, and luchadors alike. The pain train does not discriminate!

tensai

So, while you may think Borgart has exceeded expectations, you’d be dead wrong: he was a smart bet right from the jump. We cannot state firmly enough that this man was, and is, BIG IN JAPAN. The “Mad Express” finally pulls into the station tonight. Will it depart with the Briefcase Cup (not to mention the trip to space camp and Applebee’s gift card that comes with it)?

KERRY BOGGY

  • Nickname: Dr. Nuke
  • FPWR Profile: “His deadly power is atomic.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’4″/298 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Terry Gordy
  • Victims: Kerry TexanCrazy Rose, Sumo, Great Shiba

GordyCroppedNo matter how this shakes out, we here at Subspace Briefcase will be eternally grateful to Kerry Boggy for removing the scourge of Giant Shiba/The Great Khali from the Briefcase Cup. There were a few brief seconds there where we thought the “Punjabi Playboy” might win this whole thing. Without being too smarky, let’s just say that would have jeopardized our street cred.

Briefcase Cup Semifinal 2 - Great Shiba v. Kerry Boggy Screenshot 2015-04-07 20-26-52

Kerry Boggy is FPWR‘s Terry Gordy, who we first met back in Match 16. Starting his career at age 14, Terry rose to prominence as a member The Fabulous Freebirds, one of the greatest tag teams of the 80’s, if not all time. Terry would later take his talents to All Japan Pro Wrestling, where he became a seven-time tag team champion and captured the Triple Crown Championship. In All Japan, Gordy became one of the most revered and decorated gaijins to set foot in a Japanese ring. At one time, he was, perhaps, one of the BIGGEST IN JAPAN.

MiracleViolenceConnection2

Gordy formed one half of The Miracle Violence Connection with “Doctor Death” Steve Williams. As the name implies, they were a force to be reckoned with, winning the World’s Strongest Tag Determination League twice. In defeating Steel James, Borgart robbed the duo of a guaranteed win. That just can’t sit well with our favorite Freebird.

Tragically, Terry passed away in 2001. But his memory lives on in the Briefcase Cup! As we’ve stated before, Terry Gordy (and by association, Kerry Boggy), was a real American shitkicker. This man entered the ring to Lynyrd Skinner and Kiss. He found it funny when people shot at him. He cut promos about belching and stomping. He LOVED HIS VAN! They just don’t make ’em like this anymore folks, and that’s a DAMN shame.

THIS. WILL. BE. A. SLOBBERKNOCKER.


FINAL GRAPPLING GO!

Truly a final befitting these brutal behemoths! With the fatigue of four rounds of combat setting in, Borgart and Boggy battled for only seven minutes – but not a second came easy. Boggy put up an effort worthy of his real world counterpart, but a series of Argentine leglocks took his wheels out from underneath him. From there, Borgart nailed Boggy with his own finisher – the Wild Bomb – three times! A Neck Hanging Bomb sealed Boggy’s fate at 6:57. And even then he kicked out a millisecond later!

GIGANT BORGART IS NOW OFFICIALLY THE GREATEST KNOCKOFF WRESTLER OF ALL TIME! SUCK IT, KIN CORN KARN!

Briefcase Cup - Raw Footage Screenshot 2015-04-07 17-36-16And thus concludes our epic ring opera. We hope you enjoyed reading this as much as we enjoyed writing it. If nothing else, we had a few laughs, and learned about some legendary pro wrestlers in the process.

Let us know what you thought! Find us on Twitter at @subspacebc! Shoot us a line on Facebook! All criticisms, comments, and complaints are welcome. It’d be nice to know that we didn’t sacrifice our sanity to Papaya Tokuma for nothing!

For now, there’s no next time… BUT THE BRIEFCASE CUP WILL RETURN!

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – Semifinals!

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 – Match 19 – Match 20 – Match 21
Match 22 – Match 23 – Match 24 – Quarterfinal 1 – Quarterfinal 2

Four will enter, but only TWO will leave! We’ve got a semifinal spectucular of sensational scope for you tonight, as the best of the best, the CREAM OF THE CROP, square off for a shot at glory! TONIGHT!

SEMIFINAL 1: GIGANT BORGART v. STEEL JAMES

GIGANT BORGART

  • Nickname: The Mad Express
  • FPWR Profile: “Tramples rivals like a runaway train.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’3″/331 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Giant Bernard, Prince Albert, Albert, A-Train, Tensai
  • Victims: Mascara Eagle 2Giant Rozhmov, Blood Love

When you’ve racked up five distinct pseudonyms, you’re either a failed poet or a legitimate threat to humanity. We’ll let you guess which of those things Gigant Borgart is, but let’s just say that the man writes one hell of a haiku. A lot of fearsome opponents have found themselves smeared on the tracks of the “Mad Express:” Blood. Giant. Mascara. Well, maybe that last one isn’t so menacing. But whatever. This freight train appears to be heading towards the finals. Who dares to stand in its way?

STEEL JAMES

  • Nickname: Dr. Cruelty
  • FPWR Profile: “He’s the most feared rival in the States.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’2″/271 lbs.
  • A/K/A: “Dr. Death” Steve Williams
  • Victims: Andy SpiralsDeucy James, Dynamic Kid

Tonight, Dr. Cruelty may just get a taste of his own medicine. He’s been administering lethal injections of pain to cruiserweights – he outweighed his heaviest opponent by nearly 40 pounds. Borgart outweighs James by about 60 pounds. Tonight, for the first time, Steel will test his mettle against a larger opponent.

Just because he’s outweighed, though, doesn’t mean he’s outgunned. They don’t call his finish the Murder Backdrop for nothing. Folks, one thing’s for sure: this will not be pretty.


LET’S SEMIFINALS!

Let it be known: barbed wire landmines only make Borgart angrier. Perhaps looking to neutralize his opponent’s weight advantage, James went to the barbed wire early. Unfortunately for him, this only seemed to rouse our slumbering Gigant, who bent Steel to his will at 9:18 with his signature Neck Hanging Bomb.


 SEMIFINAL 2: GREAT SHIBA v. KERRY BOGGY

GREAT SHIBA

  • Nickname: Super Giant
  • FPWR Profile: “The giant from India suddenly emerged.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 7’2/441 lbs.
  • A/K/A: The Great Khali
  • Victims: G.O. BrightKAZUYA, Big G. Bull

I don’t know if there’s anything more to say about Great Shiba. Despite his limited wrestling prowess, he’s performed admirably well, taking out three legends, including faux Bruiser Brody. The man is, quite simply, exceptionally large. Nobody in this tournament can afford to take Shiba lightly.

I mean, just look at the man.

khaliaxe

Really, take a nice long gander. If FPWR‘s statistics are accurate, that axe has gotta be north of 7’6″. So just remember, when you’re in the ring with this guy, you’re in the ring with a man that can swing an axe taller than the overwhelming majority of the Earth’s population. Shiba is a legitimate danger – but you know what the crazy thing is? His opponent JUST. DOES. NOT. CARE.

KERRY BOGGY

  • Nickname: Dr. Nuke
  • FPWR Profile: “His deadly power is atomic.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’4″/298 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Terry Gordy
  • Victims: Kerry TexanCrazy Rose, Sumo

Hey, do you see that? Enhance.

Gordyphase2

No. The right eye. Enhance,

Gordyphase3

Closer! Closer, damn you! ENHANCE!

Gordyphase5

CONFOUND IT MAN! RIGHT IN THE PUPIL. ENHANCE RIGHT INTO KERRY BOGGY’S SOUL!

Gordyphase7

Whoa.

gordyphase7WHOA…. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…

gordyphase8

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH…..! Huh?

gordyvan

No… words… should have sent… a… poet. Our savior has arrived. At the heart of Kerry Boggy’s soul lies the ultimate symbol of American cultural superiority – a completely badass airbrushed van. So pure, so simple… so… I’m sorry, I can’t type any more, the tears are making it tough to see.

At the core of it all… there’s just a sweet ass van. And Great Shiba WILL-NOT-TOUCH-THAT-VAN. USA! USA! USA!

Animated American Flag


LET’S SEMIFINALS!

Lady and gentleman, I am not a patriotic person, but I submit to you that there is nothing more American than Kerry Boggy/Terry Gordy. I have never been prouder to be an American and a former van owner than right now.

But something tells me that Borgart just won’t care. And you know what, Boggy will probably like it that way. Which is why you should come back next time for the THRILLING CONCLUSION! Our long odyssey draws to a close in the FINALS! – NEXT!

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – Quarterfinals 2

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 – Match 19 – Match 20 – Match 21
Match 22 – Match 23 – Match 24 – Quarterfinal 1

TONIGHT – The herd is thinning, but that doesn’t mean the rage has diminished! It’s quarerfinal CHAOS as we serve up another two-pack of TERROR!

QUARTERFINAL 3: BIG G. BULL v. GREAT SHIBA

BIG G. BULL

  • Nickname: The Brain
  • FPWR Profile: “The stern monster with beastly skills.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’5″/298 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Bruiser Brody
  • Victims: Keiji TogashiStar Bison

If he wasn’t a legend in his own right, we’d call Big G. Bull, FPWR‘s surrogate for Bruiser Brody, a legend killer. His victims include fake Kenta Kobashi, one of the greatest Japanese wrestlers of all time, and quasi Stan Hansen, who may have been the first person to slam André the Giant (sorry – we mean Giant Rozhmov). While “The Brain” has no intention of losing tonight, he’ll need to rely on more than his mental acumen if he wants to take down…

GREAT SHIBA

  • Nickname: Super Giant
  • FPWR Profile: “The giant from India suddenly emerged.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 7’2/441 lbs.
  • A/K/A: The Great Khali
  • Victims: G.O. BrightKAZUYA

Let no one say that size does not matter. How else could a man that can barely pull off a powerbomb get this far? While Great Shiba, the FPWR friendly version of the Great Khali, has never been known for his wrestling acumen, he has performed quite admirably thus far. He’s defeated stand-in for legendary shooter, Gary Albright! He stood stalwart against the ferocious fury of KAZUYA, an approximation of rising WWE star Hideo Itami! He’s an immovable object in search of an irresistible force! Will Big G. Bull be the man to subjugate the “Super Giant?”


 QUARTERFINALING GO!

Forget a bolt gun, it looks like barbed wire landmines are the best way to take down a bull. With two”Final Powerbombs,” Big G. Bull gives up the ghost at 12:16. Perhaps he can take small comfort in the fact that he made a misnomer out of Shiba’s finishing maneuver.


 QUARTERFINAL 4: SUMO v. KERRY BOGGY

SUMO

rikishibelt

  • Nickname: Giant Hip
  • FPWR Profile: “This Sumo wrestler smashes anything.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’0″/286 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Rikishi, The Sultan, Fatu, Junior Fatu
  • Victims: TattooPapaya Tokuma

Rikishi (2)Rikishi, the wrestler simulated by Sumo, rose to prominence by crushing opponents with his giant “hips” and throwing his weight around. So why is Sumo billed at a mere 286 pounds? We can only assume that this is an error… or perhaps… perhaps he’s an impostor among impostors? Conventional wisdom tells us that muscle is denser than fat… and Sumo is manifestly fat. How could a man carrying around nothing but excess body weight defeat the FPWR version of Sabu and the logical nightmare that is Papaya Tokuma? Something tells me that…

KERRY BOGGY

gordybelt

  • Nickname: Dr. Nuke
  • FPWR Profile: “His deadly power is atomic.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’4″/298 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Terry Gordy
  • Victims: Kerry TexanCrazy Rose

Terry GordyDr. Nuke will get to the bottom of this. Kerry Boggy, nuclear physicist and clone of van enthusiast, Terry Gordy, has been on a tear. He savagely slaughtered pseudo Terry Funk! He wantonly wasted sort of Scott Hall! The man that belches the loudest cares not about your age, weight, or size. He will put this boot right here upside your head! Let’s find out if there’s any blood left in Sumo’s body, right here on Bad Street!


QUARTERFINALING GO!

Let this be a lesson to all of us – lying about your weight gets you nowhere. Kerry Boggy advances to the semis with a vicious lariat at 10:44!

NEXT TIME: The semifinals!

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – The Quarterfinals Begin!

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 – Match 19 – Match 20 – Match 21
Match 22 – Match 23 – Match 24

TONIGHT – The bios are done, and all that’s left is BLOODSHED! We proudly present to you a double dose of DEATH and DESTRUCTION as we inch ever closer to the finals!

QUARTERFINAL 1: GIGANT BORGART v. BLOOD LOVE

GIGANT BORGART

giantbernardq

  • Nickname: The Mad Express
  • FPWR Profile: “Tramples rivals like a runaway train.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’3″/331 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Giant Bernard, Prince Albert, Albert, A-Train, Tensai
  • Victims: Mascara Eagle 2Giant Rozhmov

AlbertGigant Borgart, former body piercing enthusiast and hip hop hippo, has made quite an impression in the Briefcase Cup. There’s no question that this international superstar was BIG IN JAPAN. Don’t believe us? Just look at his list of victims: he convincingly defeated FPWR‘s unlicensed versions of Alberto Del Rio and André the Giant. The “Mad Express” has no intention of stopping tonight: it’s scheduled to run straight through to the semis.

BLOOD LOVE

brethartq

  • Nickname: Blood Venom
  • FPWR Profile: “Hero of Canada.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’/243 lbs.
  • A/K/A: “The Excellence of Execution” Bret Hart
  • Victims: Smasher GigasBritish Azteca

IBret Hartf anybody can derail Borgart’s train, it’s Blood Love. A former WWF and WCW champion, he’s often referred to as “the best there ever will be.” A mat wrestling genius, he should have more than enough scientifc skill to match against Borgart’s brawn. While he’s giving up nearly 90 pounds to his opponent, Blood has no problem felling giants: he excellently executed the much larger Smasher Gigas in Round 1. We should have a real pier 2 brawl on our hands here, folks!


 QUARTERFINALING GO!

This was just like the director’s cut of David and Goliath. The one where the sling breaks, Goliath throws David into the barbed wire landmines, and we learn no moral lessons whatsoever. Gigant Borgart becomes a legit legend killer as he delivers a biblical beatdown to Blood Love with a Hawaiian Smasher (which looks a lot like an F5) at 13:02!


 QUARTERFINAL 2: STEEL JAMES v. DYNAMIC KID

STEEL JAMES

doctordeathq

  • Nickname: Dr. Cruelty
  • FPWR Profile: “He’s the most feared rival in the States.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’2″/271 lbs.
  • A/K/A: “Dr. Death” Steve Williams
  • Victims: Andy SpiralsDeucy James

DrDeathAt this point, we’re pretty sure this man is not a doctor. In fact, he brutally murdered his last two patients, FPWR‘s cut rate versions of AJ Styles and Petey Williams. If he takes out one more cruiserweight, he might classify as a serial killer. I guess that’s to be expected from a man that was part of a team called the Miracle Violence Connection. Nurse, we need 50ccs of MAYHEM. STAT.

DYNAMIC KID

dynamitekidq

  • Nickname: Mad Bomber
  • FPWR Profile: “Overwhelms opponents with his small body.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 5’10″/231 lbs.
  • A/K/A: The Dynamite Kid
  • Victims: Curry MaskJorsh Hornet

DynamiteKidIt doesn’t matter if you’re an MMA legend or a… uhh… curry person, Dynamic Kid brings the explosive offense all the same. Dynamic packs a lot of energy into that compact frame of his, and matches up well with just about any opponent. He’s already wrestled a five-star classic against Curry Mask/Curry Man and defeated Jorsh Hornet/Josh Barnett in a brutal slugfest. Whatever tools Dr. Cruelty brings to the operating table tonight, Dynamic has shown us that he’s ready to respond in kind.


QUARTERFINALING GO!

Call the FBI. We’ve got a maniac in a red singlet systematically targeting white males under 235 pounds. Steel James takes a beating (and a headbutt to the pills), but buries Dynamic Kid at 11:06 with an avalanche hold.

NEXT TIME: We finish the quarterfinals!

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – Match 24

MATCH 24 – “THE PLAYBOY” CRAZY ROSE v. “DR. NUKE” KERRY BOGGY

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 – Match 19 – Match 20 – Match 21 – Match 22  Match 23

Round 2 comes to its thorny conclusion TONIGHT, as Crazy Rose takes on our favorite nuclear physicist, “Dr. Nuke” Kerry Boggy! It’s our last bio segment, AND WE DO NOT INTENDED TO DISAPPOINT.

VIOLENCE GET! YOU LOST YOUR MIND, CHICO!

CRAZY ROSE

Briefcase Cup Match 15 - Crazy Rose v. The Spike Screenshot 2015-03-30 19-40-12

ScottHall2We last saw Scott Hall lookalike, Crazy Rose, back in Match 15. There, he tangled with the man called Spike, winning with his signature fallaway slam at the 11:16 mark. While Rose’s victory was undeniably impressive, his opponent tonight is going to be in far better condition, having finished his first match in a mere 3:35! If Rose is going to emerge victorious tonight, he’s going to have to rely on his… intangibles.

During his time as an active competitor, Hall was a master of psychological warfare. And by psychological warfare, I mean throwing toothpicks.

The fact that they never see it coming (he nailed Lex Luger at least three separate times in that video!) shows that Hall, and, by the Fire Pro transitive corollary, Rose, have a keen grasp on what it takes to get in their opponents’ heads and control a match. If Rose can use his intellect to dictate the pace of the bout early, he might have a chance of surviving here.

Hall was also well known for keeping his composure under pressure. Just watch:

That soda hit him clean in the head and HE DIDN’T EVEN FLINCH. A lesser man would have flipped his wig. Hall clearly has nerves of steel and invulnerable hair. He may have had a rough trip through the first round, but he certainly won’t be going in scared. That’s a definite plus when you are up against…

KERRY BOGGY

Briefcase Cup Match 16 - Kerry Texan v. Kerry Boggy Screenshot 2015-03-30 19-41-56

terrygordy3Kerry Boggy, FPWR’s answer to Terry Gordy, holds the Briefcase Cup record for fastest victory. Back in Match 16, he leveled Kerry Texan with a brutal powerbomb in just 3:35! We know he’s the fresher man, and we know he hits like a ton of bricks – but how does he match up against Crazy Rose in the… intangibles department?

Well, he’s the biggest man and the man who belches and stomps the loudest. He also hates stooges with a passion. Hey, don’t take my word for it:

Also, if you touch his van, he’ll kill you.

All of these seem like very good assets to bring into a fight with a master ring psychologist like Crazy Rose.


LET’S WRESTLING!

We don’t have any proof of this, but an anonymous source has advised us that Crazy Rose did, in fact, attempt to touch someone’s van prior to this match. If said van belonged to Boggy,this might explain how he was able to withstand every single move in Rose’s arsenal to pick up a victory via lariat at 10:26. Somehow, this feels like a victory for America.

Next time: THE QUARTER FINALS!

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – Match 23

MATCH 23: “YELLOW BEAST” PAPAYA TOKUMA v. “GIANT HIP” SUMO

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 – Match 19 – Match 20 – Match 21 – Match 22

We’d like to start this post off with an unsolicited plug. Our friends over at The Two Man Power Trip of Wrestling recently interviewed the great Glenn “Kane” Jacobs for their podcast (which we wholeheartedly suggest you subscribe to via iTunes or whatever other service you use for podcast delivery. You can get a taste here – but the full thing is definitely worth a listen!

They’re dropping like flies! The field continues to narrow as we near the end of Round 2! TONIGHT – Sumo will attempt to squash Papaya Tokuma beneath his giant hips! Sumo doesn’t seem like much of a fruit eater to me, but something tells me he’ll try to devour Papaya Tokuma nevertheless. Can our favorite salsero dance around the weight disparity to pull of another shocking upset? LET’S FIND OUT!

VIOLENCE GET! SHAKE WHAT YO’ MAMA GAVE YA’!

PAPAYA TOKUMA

Briefcase Cup Match 13 - Raven Gush v. Papaya Tokuma Screenshot 2015-03-26 20-15-37

HustleRangerYellowPapaya Tokuma, FPWR’s version of Mango Fukuda (a/k/a Bear Fukuda, a/k/a Takayasu Fukuda, a/k/a Hustle Ranger Yellow, a/k/a one of many men to lose to a ladder) pulled off a stunning upset in Round 1, defeating the heavily favored Raven Gush (FPWR’s version of Kevin Nash) in Match 13.  While the match was competitive, Papaya put “The Genocide” to sleep at 13:28 with a Doctor Bomb. I apologize to Kevin Nash and his lawyers for letting this happen on my watch.

Listen, I’d love to tell you more about Mango Fukuda and his career, but I don’t think it would be good for my mental health. Last time I explored this guy’s accolades, we went down a dark path filled with Ninja Turtles and brainwashed Power Rangers. I’m scared of what I’ll find if I dig any deeper than that. So you’ll just have to settle for this Salseros Japoneses match.

If you fast forward to the 17:00 mark, you’ll actually catch some footage of Mango showing off his salsa moves. It really sheds some light on his decision to take up a second career as a Power Ranger.

Despite outward appearances, history has shown us that Papaya has got the go to back up the show… but he’s got a VERY weighty challenge ahead of him.

SUMO

Briefcase Cup Match 14 - Sumo v. Tattoo Screenshot 2015-03-26 20-15-58

rikishi2Sumo, FPWR’s royalty free Rikishi (a/k/a Junior Fatu, a/k/a The Sultan, a/k/a Headshrinker Fatu, a/k/a the guy that ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin in the name of Samoan supremacy) used his substantial “hips” to squash hardcore legend Tattoo in Match 14.  He barely broke a sweat in the process, crushing his opposition in just 9:33.

Rikishi is headed to the WWE Hall of Fame this coming Saturday. There’s no way I can do a better job than the WWE production team at summing up his legendary career… so I’ll just let them do the work:

The real x-factor in this match: Dancing ability. Despite the earlier provided video evidence to the contrary, you’d have to think that Mango would have the edge, based purely on his training as a professional salsero.

Well, you’d be wrong about that. Statistics tell me that most people don’t actually watch the videos, so just trust me when I tell you these guys are equally fatigued. Can Papaya do it again?


 LET’S WRESTLING!

No. Sumo takes it in 11 minutes even with a Sumo Driver! The great “Yellow Beast” has been slain!

NEXT TIME: We close out Round 2 with a bang as “The Playboy” Crazy Rose takes on “Dr. Nuke” Kerry Boggy!

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – Match 22

MATCH 22: “SUPER GIANT” GREAT SHIBA v. “KICK MASTER” KAZUYA

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 – Match 19 – Match 20 – Match 21

Size mismatches are a time honored tradition in pro wrestling. Where else can we relish in the joy of watching a much smaller competitor overwhelm all odds to defeat an opponent twice his size?

And where else can we angrily shake our fists when dastardly heels take their size advantage just one step too far?

To be fair, that looked like it was more than one step too far. Probably closer to six feet.

Tonight, we’re proud to present to you a hellish height mismatch straight from HADES, as KAZUYA attempts to chop down Great Shiba!

VIOLENCE GET! KENTA RUSH!

GREAT SHIBA

Briefcase Cup Match 11 - G.O. Bright v. Great Shiba Screenshot 2015-03-23 18-54-43Khali2Billed height: 7’2″. Billed weight: 441 lbs. The “Super Giant,” Great Shiba, FPWR’s answer to the Great Khali, is unquestionably the largest competitor still in the Briefcase Cup. Back in Match 11, he chokeslammed Pakistani expatriate, G.O. Bright, right out of his gross body and into another plane of existence. Here’s hoping he wasn’t one of those JatismarasI’d hate to remember that for the rest of eternity. Cut us some slack here. We’re 22 matches deep. Shiba methodically squashed Bright in 11:27, and didn’t take much damage in the process. It takes a lot of gas to power a wrecking machine of this size, though. Will he have enough go power to take on….

KAZUYA

Briefcase Cup Match 12 - Kazuya v. Bill Bullet Screenshot 2015-03-23 18-55-37

KENTA2

Billed height: 5’7″. Billed weight: 176 lbs. FPWR’s version of Hideo Itami/KENTA is unquestionably the superior technician in this match. KAZUYA, caps lock enthusiast and master of kicks, put on quite a brutal display in Match 12, knocking out Bill Bullet in 12:52 with his trademark “Go 2 Sleep.” Like his real life counterpart, KAZUYA has samurai spirit to spare, but he’d better have a katana blade to go with that if he wants to cut down the “Punjabi Playboy.” He got more than a little bloody in his last match, and he’s giving up hundreds of pounds and dozens of inches to this monster!


 LET’S WRESTLING!

Only in the world of video game pro wrestling can a 176 pound man hoist a 441 pound man over his head repeatedly and STILL lose the match. This thing just has to be fixed. A valiant effort, but Shiba chokeslams his way to another victory at the 12:27 mark.

NEXT TIME: Fan favorite Papaya Takuma returns!

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – Match 21

MATCH 21: “CRAZY BULL” STAR BISON v. “THE BRAIN” BIG G. BULL

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 – Match 19 – Match 20

TONIGHT! The Briefcase Cup reaches drinking age, so crack open an ice cold Steveweiser and get set for ANOTHER calamitous crash of crazed carnage. We’re more full of it than usual, as the “Crazy Bull” Star Bison takes on Big G. Bull! That’s… A LOT OF BULL. Let’s take this big boy by the horns, shall we?

VIOLENCE GET! LARIATOOO!

STAR BISON

Briefcase Cup Match 9 - Harry Texan Jr. v. Star Bison Screenshot 2015-03-22 08-32-17hansenbeltStar Bison, who is Stan Hansen adjace (copyright and trademark, Peter Rosenberg), revolutionized the concept of elder abuse in Match 9, showing little remorse to the aging Harry Texan, Sr. Utilizing his “fatal Western Lariat” to great effect, Bison picked up a a victory at the 14:21 mark. That being said, the fatherly Texan gave as good as he got: Bison didn’t escape the woodshed without a few belt marks on his ass.

BIG G. BULL

Briefcase Cup Match 10 Big G. Bull v. Keiji Togashi Screenshot 2015-03-22 08-30-45brodyhairBig G. Bull, FPWR’s loving tribute to Bruiser Brody, lived up to his pedigree in Match 10, where he absolutely BRUTALIZED Keiji Togashi in a contest that had absolutely no business lasting 9:34. Bull demolished, devoured, and digested his opponent (a surrogate for the legendary Kenta Kobashi), turning him into… well… bullshit. I hope someone laughed at that, I’ve been sitting on it for a long time. His first round performance serves as proof positive that Brody/Bull was held in high regard by FPWR’s developers. He’s an absolute beast in the ring, and undoubtedly the fresher man in this match. Bison’s only hope is to wrap that lariat around Bull’s neck early and often.

LET’S… TEAM UP?

Listen, we’ll shoot straight: we didn’t think this match would come to pass; we simply didn’t think there was any way that Big G. Bull would get past the first round, where he was matched up against one of the greatest Japanese wrestlers of all time. We’re glad he did, though, because it will give us an opportunity to talk about the longtime partnership between Stan Hansen and Frank “Bruiser Brody” Goodish.
GoodishHansen

While Bruiser Brody achieved his greatest success acting like a psychotic viking, entering the ring to an instrumental version of Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song, it took him a little while to work his way to that point. He started off his career under his given name, Frank Goodish.  Goodish wrestled under a cowboy persona, which made him a logical partner for Hansen, the one wrestling cowboy to end them all (apologies to Bob Orton). The pieces fit together even more neatly when you consider that both men were former West Texas Buffaloes, a fact which probably played into the names FPWR foisted upon them.

BrodyHansen

Hansen and Brody would team together on numerous occasions, achieving great success in both the United States and Japan:

Hansenbrody

You don’t have to look hard to find evidence of Brody and Hansen’s reign of terror. Just look at some of their matches below:

Here they are beating the the ever-loving Texas out of the Funks (or are they beating the ever loving Funk out of the Texans?):

Here you can see them defeating Mil Mascaras & Dos Caras (the father of our very own Mascara Eagle 2):

…and here they are “Destroying Everyone:”

Sadly, Brody was murdered under mysterious circumstances in 1988. Retroist published an excellent piece on Brody back in July – if you’d like to learn about Frank Goodish’s amazing life and tragic death, it’s highly recommended reading. Brody was truly a bright spot in the world of professional wrestling – but don’t take it from me…

Watching these two fight is the Japanese video game wrestling equivalent of THE MEGA POWERS EXPLODING.


LET’S WRESTLING!

Bull hits a King Kong Knee drop all the way from the land of the ice and snow, from the midnight sun, where the hot springs flow! The hammer of the gods drives Brody to new lands, to fight the hordes in Round 3! VALHALLA, HE IS COMING. Truly, we have witnessed a beastly display of brutality befitting these two legendary badasses.

NEXT TIME: David takes on Goliath as KAZUYA attempts to chop down the Great Shiba!

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – Match 20

MATCH 20: JORSH “THE BLUE SAMURAI” HORNET v. “THE MAD BOMBER” DYNAMIC KID

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 – Match 19

We’re 20 matches deep, but there’s still much more action to come! TONIGHT – MMA legend, Jorsh Hornet, attempts to sting the explosive Dynamic Kid into submission! Only one man will advance to the next round of the BRIEFCASE CUP! Brought to you by Conono™ – Kilometers Away From Typical!®

VIOLENCE GET! WE ARE ALREADY DEAD!

JORSH HORNETBriefcase Cup Match 7 - Jorsh Hornet v. Flash Burton Screenshot 2015-03-16 19-09-55

Barnett

Jorsh Hornet, FPWR’s judgment-proof facsimile of MMA great, Josh Barnett, dispatched Flash Burton with a brutal capture suplex KO back in Match 7. While the match lasted only 9:03, Hornet absorbed several brutal powerbombs in the process. He’s undeniably a tough customer, but every man has his limits. He’s up against a much smaller foe tonight in the Dynamic Kid, but he just CAN’T be operating at maximum capacity.

They say a bee only gets in one sting before it dies, but don’t sleep on Hornet. He’s been cloned from the DNA of Josh Barnett, one of the baddest men to enter a ring, hexagon, or octagon. Name a shape. Any shape. Josh Barnett has kicked someone’s ass inside of that shape. You dare to doubt me? Fine. Don’t blame me when Josh shows up at your house and kicks your ass while wearing a black diaper.

As you can probably tell, we’re fans of Mr. Barnett here at Subspace Briefcase. That might be why we linked to three highlight videos in his bio. You know he’s a badass. So, instead, please enjoy this video of him fixing a broken nose with two pens.

This man truly is MMA Jesus. Should he lose tonight, he will undoubtedly rise from the dead.

DYNAMIC KID

Briefcase Cup Match 8 - Dynamic Kid v. Cury Mask Screenshot 2015-03-16 19-10-54DynamiteDogDynamic Kid defeated the quite-possibly-racist Curry Mask in one of the more epic matches of Round 1. Though he defeated his spicy nemesis with a German suplex, it took him a whopping 21 minutes! If he’s anything like his real life counterpart, Dynamite Kid, though, he should have plenty gas left in the tank – that guy could GO.

Fun fact – everybody who makes Dynamite Kid tribute videos sets them to sad music. In all likelihood, this is because his hard-hitting style cut his career tragically short, leaving him confined to a wheelchair.

There isn’t much I can say about Dynamite that hasn’t already been said – so I’ll just let Bret Hart say it.

PURE DYNAMITE. So we’ve got two legit asskickers in the ring. A bee may only get one sting, but I haven’t seen a stick of dynamite that can explode twice. Time to get VIOLENT.


LET’S WRESTLING!

All the MMA training in the world won’t prepare you for multiple trips to the… uh… just what is that thing anyway? An exploding strip of cardboard covered with barbed wire? Those giant puffs of baby powder it emits lead me to believe it is probably painful, and also a leading cause of mesothelioma. The Kid hits a dynamic German suplex to pick up the 3-count at 10:10!

NEXT TIME: Star Bison takes on Big G. Bull! That’s STAN HANSEN vs. BRUISER BRODY. BAH GAWD!