Tag Archives: Great Khali

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – Semifinals!

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 – Match 19 – Match 20 – Match 21
Match 22 – Match 23 – Match 24 – Quarterfinal 1 – Quarterfinal 2

Four will enter, but only TWO will leave! We’ve got a semifinal spectucular of sensational scope for you tonight, as the best of the best, the CREAM OF THE CROP, square off for a shot at glory! TONIGHT!

SEMIFINAL 1: GIGANT BORGART v. STEEL JAMES

GIGANT BORGART

  • Nickname: The Mad Express
  • FPWR Profile: “Tramples rivals like a runaway train.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’3″/331 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Giant Bernard, Prince Albert, Albert, A-Train, Tensai
  • Victims: Mascara Eagle 2Giant Rozhmov, Blood Love

When you’ve racked up five distinct pseudonyms, you’re either a failed poet or a legitimate threat to humanity. We’ll let you guess which of those things Gigant Borgart is, but let’s just say that the man writes one hell of a haiku. A lot of fearsome opponents have found themselves smeared on the tracks of the “Mad Express:” Blood. Giant. Mascara. Well, maybe that last one isn’t so menacing. But whatever. This freight train appears to be heading towards the finals. Who dares to stand in its way?

STEEL JAMES

  • Nickname: Dr. Cruelty
  • FPWR Profile: “He’s the most feared rival in the States.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’2″/271 lbs.
  • A/K/A: “Dr. Death” Steve Williams
  • Victims: Andy SpiralsDeucy James, Dynamic Kid

Tonight, Dr. Cruelty may just get a taste of his own medicine. He’s been administering lethal injections of pain to cruiserweights – he outweighed his heaviest opponent by nearly 40 pounds. Borgart outweighs James by about 60 pounds. Tonight, for the first time, Steel will test his mettle against a larger opponent.

Just because he’s outweighed, though, doesn’t mean he’s outgunned. They don’t call his finish the Murder Backdrop for nothing. Folks, one thing’s for sure: this will not be pretty.


LET’S SEMIFINALS!

Let it be known: barbed wire landmines only make Borgart angrier. Perhaps looking to neutralize his opponent’s weight advantage, James went to the barbed wire early. Unfortunately for him, this only seemed to rouse our slumbering Gigant, who bent Steel to his will at 9:18 with his signature Neck Hanging Bomb.


 SEMIFINAL 2: GREAT SHIBA v. KERRY BOGGY

GREAT SHIBA

  • Nickname: Super Giant
  • FPWR Profile: “The giant from India suddenly emerged.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 7’2/441 lbs.
  • A/K/A: The Great Khali
  • Victims: G.O. BrightKAZUYA, Big G. Bull

I don’t know if there’s anything more to say about Great Shiba. Despite his limited wrestling prowess, he’s performed admirably well, taking out three legends, including faux Bruiser Brody. The man is, quite simply, exceptionally large. Nobody in this tournament can afford to take Shiba lightly.

I mean, just look at the man.

khaliaxe

Really, take a nice long gander. If FPWR‘s statistics are accurate, that axe has gotta be north of 7’6″. So just remember, when you’re in the ring with this guy, you’re in the ring with a man that can swing an axe taller than the overwhelming majority of the Earth’s population. Shiba is a legitimate danger – but you know what the crazy thing is? His opponent JUST. DOES. NOT. CARE.

KERRY BOGGY

  • Nickname: Dr. Nuke
  • FPWR Profile: “His deadly power is atomic.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’4″/298 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Terry Gordy
  • Victims: Kerry TexanCrazy Rose, Sumo

Hey, do you see that? Enhance.

Gordyphase2

No. The right eye. Enhance,

Gordyphase3

Closer! Closer, damn you! ENHANCE!

Gordyphase5

CONFOUND IT MAN! RIGHT IN THE PUPIL. ENHANCE RIGHT INTO KERRY BOGGY’S SOUL!

Gordyphase7

Whoa.

gordyphase7WHOA…. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…

gordyphase8

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH…..! Huh?

gordyvan

No… words… should have sent… a… poet. Our savior has arrived. At the heart of Kerry Boggy’s soul lies the ultimate symbol of American cultural superiority – a completely badass airbrushed van. So pure, so simple… so… I’m sorry, I can’t type any more, the tears are making it tough to see.

At the core of it all… there’s just a sweet ass van. And Great Shiba WILL-NOT-TOUCH-THAT-VAN. USA! USA! USA!

Animated American Flag


LET’S SEMIFINALS!

Lady and gentleman, I am not a patriotic person, but I submit to you that there is nothing more American than Kerry Boggy/Terry Gordy. I have never been prouder to be an American and a former van owner than right now.

But something tells me that Borgart just won’t care. And you know what, Boggy will probably like it that way. Which is why you should come back next time for the THRILLING CONCLUSION! Our long odyssey draws to a close in the FINALS! – NEXT!

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – Quarterfinals 2

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 – Match 19 – Match 20 – Match 21
Match 22 – Match 23 – Match 24 – Quarterfinal 1

TONIGHT – The herd is thinning, but that doesn’t mean the rage has diminished! It’s quarerfinal CHAOS as we serve up another two-pack of TERROR!

QUARTERFINAL 3: BIG G. BULL v. GREAT SHIBA

BIG G. BULL

  • Nickname: The Brain
  • FPWR Profile: “The stern monster with beastly skills.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’5″/298 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Bruiser Brody
  • Victims: Keiji TogashiStar Bison

If he wasn’t a legend in his own right, we’d call Big G. Bull, FPWR‘s surrogate for Bruiser Brody, a legend killer. His victims include fake Kenta Kobashi, one of the greatest Japanese wrestlers of all time, and quasi Stan Hansen, who may have been the first person to slam André the Giant (sorry – we mean Giant Rozhmov). While “The Brain” has no intention of losing tonight, he’ll need to rely on more than his mental acumen if he wants to take down…

GREAT SHIBA

  • Nickname: Super Giant
  • FPWR Profile: “The giant from India suddenly emerged.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 7’2/441 lbs.
  • A/K/A: The Great Khali
  • Victims: G.O. BrightKAZUYA

Let no one say that size does not matter. How else could a man that can barely pull off a powerbomb get this far? While Great Shiba, the FPWR friendly version of the Great Khali, has never been known for his wrestling acumen, he has performed quite admirably thus far. He’s defeated stand-in for legendary shooter, Gary Albright! He stood stalwart against the ferocious fury of KAZUYA, an approximation of rising WWE star Hideo Itami! He’s an immovable object in search of an irresistible force! Will Big G. Bull be the man to subjugate the “Super Giant?”


 QUARTERFINALING GO!

Forget a bolt gun, it looks like barbed wire landmines are the best way to take down a bull. With two”Final Powerbombs,” Big G. Bull gives up the ghost at 12:16. Perhaps he can take small comfort in the fact that he made a misnomer out of Shiba’s finishing maneuver.


 QUARTERFINAL 4: SUMO v. KERRY BOGGY

SUMO

rikishibelt

  • Nickname: Giant Hip
  • FPWR Profile: “This Sumo wrestler smashes anything.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’0″/286 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Rikishi, The Sultan, Fatu, Junior Fatu
  • Victims: TattooPapaya Tokuma

Rikishi (2)Rikishi, the wrestler simulated by Sumo, rose to prominence by crushing opponents with his giant “hips” and throwing his weight around. So why is Sumo billed at a mere 286 pounds? We can only assume that this is an error… or perhaps… perhaps he’s an impostor among impostors? Conventional wisdom tells us that muscle is denser than fat… and Sumo is manifestly fat. How could a man carrying around nothing but excess body weight defeat the FPWR version of Sabu and the logical nightmare that is Papaya Tokuma? Something tells me that…

KERRY BOGGY

gordybelt

  • Nickname: Dr. Nuke
  • FPWR Profile: “His deadly power is atomic.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’4″/298 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Terry Gordy
  • Victims: Kerry TexanCrazy Rose

Terry GordyDr. Nuke will get to the bottom of this. Kerry Boggy, nuclear physicist and clone of van enthusiast, Terry Gordy, has been on a tear. He savagely slaughtered pseudo Terry Funk! He wantonly wasted sort of Scott Hall! The man that belches the loudest cares not about your age, weight, or size. He will put this boot right here upside your head! Let’s find out if there’s any blood left in Sumo’s body, right here on Bad Street!


QUARTERFINALING GO!

Let this be a lesson to all of us – lying about your weight gets you nowhere. Kerry Boggy advances to the semis with a vicious lariat at 10:44!

NEXT TIME: The semifinals!

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – Match 22

MATCH 22: “SUPER GIANT” GREAT SHIBA v. “KICK MASTER” KAZUYA

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 – Match 19 – Match 20 – Match 21

Size mismatches are a time honored tradition in pro wrestling. Where else can we relish in the joy of watching a much smaller competitor overwhelm all odds to defeat an opponent twice his size?

And where else can we angrily shake our fists when dastardly heels take their size advantage just one step too far?

To be fair, that looked like it was more than one step too far. Probably closer to six feet.

Tonight, we’re proud to present to you a hellish height mismatch straight from HADES, as KAZUYA attempts to chop down Great Shiba!

VIOLENCE GET! KENTA RUSH!

GREAT SHIBA

Briefcase Cup Match 11 - G.O. Bright v. Great Shiba Screenshot 2015-03-23 18-54-43Khali2Billed height: 7’2″. Billed weight: 441 lbs. The “Super Giant,” Great Shiba, FPWR’s answer to the Great Khali, is unquestionably the largest competitor still in the Briefcase Cup. Back in Match 11, he chokeslammed Pakistani expatriate, G.O. Bright, right out of his gross body and into another plane of existence. Here’s hoping he wasn’t one of those JatismarasI’d hate to remember that for the rest of eternity. Cut us some slack here. We’re 22 matches deep. Shiba methodically squashed Bright in 11:27, and didn’t take much damage in the process. It takes a lot of gas to power a wrecking machine of this size, though. Will he have enough go power to take on….

KAZUYA

Briefcase Cup Match 12 - Kazuya v. Bill Bullet Screenshot 2015-03-23 18-55-37

KENTA2

Billed height: 5’7″. Billed weight: 176 lbs. FPWR’s version of Hideo Itami/KENTA is unquestionably the superior technician in this match. KAZUYA, caps lock enthusiast and master of kicks, put on quite a brutal display in Match 12, knocking out Bill Bullet in 12:52 with his trademark “Go 2 Sleep.” Like his real life counterpart, KAZUYA has samurai spirit to spare, but he’d better have a katana blade to go with that if he wants to cut down the “Punjabi Playboy.” He got more than a little bloody in his last match, and he’s giving up hundreds of pounds and dozens of inches to this monster!


 LET’S WRESTLING!

Only in the world of video game pro wrestling can a 176 pound man hoist a 441 pound man over his head repeatedly and STILL lose the match. This thing just has to be fixed. A valiant effort, but Shiba chokeslams his way to another victory at the 12:27 mark.

NEXT TIME: Fan favorite Papaya Takuma returns!

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – Match 11

MATCH 11: “THE INVENTOR” G.O. BRIGHT v. “SUPER GIANT” GREAT SHIBA

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10

We hit the next mile marker on the highway of agony as we head into match 11! TONIGHT, it’s India vs. Pakistan by way of Nebraska, as a wrestling legend takes on a legitimate giant!

G.O. BRIGHT

GaryAlbright

Gary_AlbrightSay “G.O. Bright” fast enough, and you’ll get something that sounds like “G. Albright.” It can be no coincidence, then, that Mr. Bright bears such a striking resemblance to the late Gary Albright. As you might guess from his singlet, Gary Albright was an accomplished amateur wrestler out of the University of Nebraska, where he still holds the records for total falls in a season. It should come as no surprise, then, that Albright made his name in the UWFI, a Japanese organization that put great emphasis on making their matches look as “legitimate” as possible. Check out the end of this match between Albright and Japanese superstar Kiyoshi Tamura:

I agree with the commentators for Russian ESPN: Albright throws one hell of a German suplex, an assertion which is corroborated by his FPWR bio. You’ll note that Albright’s bout with Tamura ended in a referee stoppage, which is a somewhat uncommon ending for a pro wrestling match. Gary was often booked to “knock out” his opponents with his impressive suplexes, giving him a reputation as “Suplex Machine.”

In the 1990s, Japanese pro wrestling was all about dropping people on their necks as hard as possible, and Albright was clearly very good at doing that. He was breaking necks and cashing checks all over Japan. This is why G.O. Bright employs the particularly nasty “full nelson suplex” as his finishing maneuver, which Albright himself utilized to great success:

FPWR categorizes Bright as an “Olive Japan” legend, paying homage to Albright’s 1995-1999 stint in All Japan Pro Wrestling, during which he was a frequent partner of our buddy Steel James. In fact, we’ve covered this before – Albright was included in All Japan’s officially licensed game. As previously noted, being officially licensed in a country with apparently no meaningful laws relating to likeness theft is a HUGE deal. We’re calling it right here: Gary Albright was BIG IN JAPAN.

KarachiVice…but that’s not where this ends. You see, Albright got his start in Canada’s Stampede Wrestling, where he wrestled under the name “Vokhan Singh.” Under that moniker, Albright formed one half of the tag team “Karachi Vice.” His tag team partner? A guy named Mike Shaw (who WWF fans know as Bastion Booger), wrestling under the name “Mukhan Singh.” As our more geographically inclined readers may note, Karachi is in Pakistan. Yes, Gary Albright, a giant corn-fed white dude, was part of a Pakistani wrestling faction. So why is this relevant, you ask?

GreatKhali

KhaliBecause he’s about to take on the world’s most terrifying Indian, that’s why. Not the best time to be from Pakistan. “Great Shiba” is FPWR’s lawsuit-proof stand in for the one and only Great Khali. Shiba shares a birth year with Khali, and there’s really only one giant Indian wrestler of any repute, so we could probably end the analysis right here. But that wouldn’t be sporting, would it?

Khali, who wrestled in Japan as “Giant Singh,” has never been known for his wrestling ability, but rather his size, and nobody can argue that he didn’t succeed at being large. In the world of pro wrestling, giants serve two cardinal purposes:

  1. Picking up smaller people and slamming them.
  2. Allowing themselves to be slammed, making smaller people look impressive.

Anything else is just value added. That being said, there’s no way around it: Khali is a notoriously bad wrestler. Shiba’s finishing maneuver is a “Final Powerbomb.” Try to find video of Khali performing a powerbomb, and this will probably be your first hit:

Great googledy moogledy. That can’t really be his finishing maneuver, can it? No, of course not. Fans of Khali’s work know that he utilized a two-handed choke slam as a finisher. I can only think that FPWR‘s developers made a mistake here. Either that, or they were making a snide reference to the egregious powerbomb in the video above.

Khali did wrestle briefly in Japan. Just check out this blurry bigfoot footage we found somewhere in the ass end of YouTube:

So yes, he was BIG, and yes, he was, at one point in time, in Japan. His time in Japan lasted under a year, however, so we can’t really call him BIG IN JAPAN. Shiba isn’t going to be getting one of his tree trunks up on G.O. Bright on account of his strong Japanese fanbase.

BUUUUT… Here’s the thing. Shiba’s bio notes that he has “suddenly emerged.” Around the time of FPWR’s release, Khali had just made his WWE debut. Mere months after popping up in April of 2006, Khali rattled off victories over luminaries like Rey Mysterio, the Undertaker, and numerous others. Today, Khali is known as a bit of a goofy comedy act. Back in ’06-’07, though, he was an unstoppable monster who had yet to truly know a meaningful defeat. Nobody knew how high he would go. Great Shiba should be indicative of Khali at his theoretical maximum.

That wasn’t very funny, was it? Here’s a video of him singing

Shwew, saved.


LET’S WRESTLING

Oof. Karachi Vice my ass. Well, hopefully this settles the age-old beef between India and Pakistan. I guess when your fighting style revolves around throwing people over your head at high velocity, it helps if your opponent isn’t an 7’4″, 450 pound giant. Shiba takes it at 11:27 via a choke slam.

NEXT TIME: A master of kicks takes on a slapper of nuts!