Tag Archives: Giant Bernard

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – GRAND FINAL!

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 – Match 19 – Match 20 – Match 21
Match 22 – Match 23 – Match 24 – Quarterfinal 1 – Quarterfinal 2
Semifinals

TONIGHT – It all comes to a head. From a field of 32 brazen wrasslin’ ripoffs, we’ve whittled away all but two. Who is the fiercest fraud? The most sensational stand-in? THE DEADLIEST DOPPELGANGER? We’re going to answer these questions the only way we know how: by putting two goliaths in a wrestling ring, surrounding it with barbed wire and explosives, and letting nature take its course! Borgart. Boggy. It’s the GRAND FINAL of the Briefcase Cup!

GRAND FINAL: GIGANT BORGART v. KERRY BOGGY!

GIGANT BORGART

  • Nickname: The Mad Express
  • FPWR Profile: “Tramples rivals like a runaway train.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’3″/331 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Giant Bernard, Prince Albert, Albert, A-Train, Tensai
  • Victims: Mascara Eagle 2Giant Rozhmov, Blood Love, Steel James

As we discussed back in Match 2, professional wrestler Matt Bloom has mangled his opponents under many different monikers. He began his career in the WWE as “Prince Albert,” the bodyguard and “personal piercer” of Darren Drozdov. Later, that was shortened to just “Albert,” and “Albert” gave-way to “A-Train.” Most recently, he bulldozed his way through the WWE as Lord Tensai.

Briefcase Cup Match 17 - Giant Rozhmov v. Gigant  Borgart Screenshot 2015-04-07 20-23-17

All of these personas, though, pale in comparison to Bloom’s run as Giant Bernard. As Giant Bernard, Bloom cast a menacing shadow over Japanese wrestling. He captured the New Japan Cup in 2006. He challenged for the All Japan Triple Crown Championship and the IWGP Heavyweight Championship. That’s just the very tip of the iceberg, folks – he collected no small number of tag belts and other accolades. In the Briefcase Cup, Bernard’s stand-in, Gigant Borgart, has been no frills and all kills, demolishing FPWR‘s versions of Alberto Del Rio, André the Giant, Bret Hart, and Steve Williams. He’s ruthlessly cut down giants, technicians, and luchadors alike. The pain train does not discriminate!

tensai

So, while you may think Borgart has exceeded expectations, you’d be dead wrong: he was a smart bet right from the jump. We cannot state firmly enough that this man was, and is, BIG IN JAPAN. The “Mad Express” finally pulls into the station tonight. Will it depart with the Briefcase Cup (not to mention the trip to space camp and Applebee’s gift card that comes with it)?

KERRY BOGGY

  • Nickname: Dr. Nuke
  • FPWR Profile: “His deadly power is atomic.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’4″/298 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Terry Gordy
  • Victims: Kerry TexanCrazy Rose, Sumo, Great Shiba

GordyCroppedNo matter how this shakes out, we here at Subspace Briefcase will be eternally grateful to Kerry Boggy for removing the scourge of Giant Shiba/The Great Khali from the Briefcase Cup. There were a few brief seconds there where we thought the “Punjabi Playboy” might win this whole thing. Without being too smarky, let’s just say that would have jeopardized our street cred.

Briefcase Cup Semifinal 2 - Great Shiba v. Kerry Boggy Screenshot 2015-04-07 20-26-52

Kerry Boggy is FPWR‘s Terry Gordy, who we first met back in Match 16. Starting his career at age 14, Terry rose to prominence as a member The Fabulous Freebirds, one of the greatest tag teams of the 80’s, if not all time. Terry would later take his talents to All Japan Pro Wrestling, where he became a seven-time tag team champion and captured the Triple Crown Championship. In All Japan, Gordy became one of the most revered and decorated gaijins to set foot in a Japanese ring. At one time, he was, perhaps, one of the BIGGEST IN JAPAN.

MiracleViolenceConnection2

Gordy formed one half of The Miracle Violence Connection with “Doctor Death” Steve Williams. As the name implies, they were a force to be reckoned with, winning the World’s Strongest Tag Determination League twice. In defeating Steel James, Borgart robbed the duo of a guaranteed win. That just can’t sit well with our favorite Freebird.

Tragically, Terry passed away in 2001. But his memory lives on in the Briefcase Cup! As we’ve stated before, Terry Gordy (and by association, Kerry Boggy), was a real American shitkicker. This man entered the ring to Lynyrd Skinner and Kiss. He found it funny when people shot at him. He cut promos about belching and stomping. He LOVED HIS VAN! They just don’t make ’em like this anymore folks, and that’s a DAMN shame.

THIS. WILL. BE. A. SLOBBERKNOCKER.


FINAL GRAPPLING GO!

Truly a final befitting these brutal behemoths! With the fatigue of four rounds of combat setting in, Borgart and Boggy battled for only seven minutes – but not a second came easy. Boggy put up an effort worthy of his real world counterpart, but a series of Argentine leglocks took his wheels out from underneath him. From there, Borgart nailed Boggy with his own finisher – the Wild Bomb – three times! A Neck Hanging Bomb sealed Boggy’s fate at 6:57. And even then he kicked out a millisecond later!

GIGANT BORGART IS NOW OFFICIALLY THE GREATEST KNOCKOFF WRESTLER OF ALL TIME! SUCK IT, KIN CORN KARN!

Briefcase Cup - Raw Footage Screenshot 2015-04-07 17-36-16And thus concludes our epic ring opera. We hope you enjoyed reading this as much as we enjoyed writing it. If nothing else, we had a few laughs, and learned about some legendary pro wrestlers in the process.

Let us know what you thought! Find us on Twitter at @subspacebc! Shoot us a line on Facebook! All criticisms, comments, and complaints are welcome. It’d be nice to know that we didn’t sacrifice our sanity to Papaya Tokuma for nothing!

For now, there’s no next time… BUT THE BRIEFCASE CUP WILL RETURN!

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – Semifinals!

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 – Match 19 – Match 20 – Match 21
Match 22 – Match 23 – Match 24 – Quarterfinal 1 – Quarterfinal 2

Four will enter, but only TWO will leave! We’ve got a semifinal spectucular of sensational scope for you tonight, as the best of the best, the CREAM OF THE CROP, square off for a shot at glory! TONIGHT!

SEMIFINAL 1: GIGANT BORGART v. STEEL JAMES

GIGANT BORGART

  • Nickname: The Mad Express
  • FPWR Profile: “Tramples rivals like a runaway train.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’3″/331 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Giant Bernard, Prince Albert, Albert, A-Train, Tensai
  • Victims: Mascara Eagle 2Giant Rozhmov, Blood Love

When you’ve racked up five distinct pseudonyms, you’re either a failed poet or a legitimate threat to humanity. We’ll let you guess which of those things Gigant Borgart is, but let’s just say that the man writes one hell of a haiku. A lot of fearsome opponents have found themselves smeared on the tracks of the “Mad Express:” Blood. Giant. Mascara. Well, maybe that last one isn’t so menacing. But whatever. This freight train appears to be heading towards the finals. Who dares to stand in its way?

STEEL JAMES

  • Nickname: Dr. Cruelty
  • FPWR Profile: “He’s the most feared rival in the States.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’2″/271 lbs.
  • A/K/A: “Dr. Death” Steve Williams
  • Victims: Andy SpiralsDeucy James, Dynamic Kid

Tonight, Dr. Cruelty may just get a taste of his own medicine. He’s been administering lethal injections of pain to cruiserweights – he outweighed his heaviest opponent by nearly 40 pounds. Borgart outweighs James by about 60 pounds. Tonight, for the first time, Steel will test his mettle against a larger opponent.

Just because he’s outweighed, though, doesn’t mean he’s outgunned. They don’t call his finish the Murder Backdrop for nothing. Folks, one thing’s for sure: this will not be pretty.


LET’S SEMIFINALS!

Let it be known: barbed wire landmines only make Borgart angrier. Perhaps looking to neutralize his opponent’s weight advantage, James went to the barbed wire early. Unfortunately for him, this only seemed to rouse our slumbering Gigant, who bent Steel to his will at 9:18 with his signature Neck Hanging Bomb.


 SEMIFINAL 2: GREAT SHIBA v. KERRY BOGGY

GREAT SHIBA

  • Nickname: Super Giant
  • FPWR Profile: “The giant from India suddenly emerged.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 7’2/441 lbs.
  • A/K/A: The Great Khali
  • Victims: G.O. BrightKAZUYA, Big G. Bull

I don’t know if there’s anything more to say about Great Shiba. Despite his limited wrestling prowess, he’s performed admirably well, taking out three legends, including faux Bruiser Brody. The man is, quite simply, exceptionally large. Nobody in this tournament can afford to take Shiba lightly.

I mean, just look at the man.

khaliaxe

Really, take a nice long gander. If FPWR‘s statistics are accurate, that axe has gotta be north of 7’6″. So just remember, when you’re in the ring with this guy, you’re in the ring with a man that can swing an axe taller than the overwhelming majority of the Earth’s population. Shiba is a legitimate danger – but you know what the crazy thing is? His opponent JUST. DOES. NOT. CARE.

KERRY BOGGY

  • Nickname: Dr. Nuke
  • FPWR Profile: “His deadly power is atomic.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’4″/298 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Terry Gordy
  • Victims: Kerry TexanCrazy Rose, Sumo

Hey, do you see that? Enhance.

Gordyphase2

No. The right eye. Enhance,

Gordyphase3

Closer! Closer, damn you! ENHANCE!

Gordyphase5

CONFOUND IT MAN! RIGHT IN THE PUPIL. ENHANCE RIGHT INTO KERRY BOGGY’S SOUL!

Gordyphase7

Whoa.

gordyphase7WHOA…. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…

gordyphase8

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH…..! Huh?

gordyvan

No… words… should have sent… a… poet. Our savior has arrived. At the heart of Kerry Boggy’s soul lies the ultimate symbol of American cultural superiority – a completely badass airbrushed van. So pure, so simple… so… I’m sorry, I can’t type any more, the tears are making it tough to see.

At the core of it all… there’s just a sweet ass van. And Great Shiba WILL-NOT-TOUCH-THAT-VAN. USA! USA! USA!

Animated American Flag


LET’S SEMIFINALS!

Lady and gentleman, I am not a patriotic person, but I submit to you that there is nothing more American than Kerry Boggy/Terry Gordy. I have never been prouder to be an American and a former van owner than right now.

But something tells me that Borgart just won’t care. And you know what, Boggy will probably like it that way. Which is why you should come back next time for the THRILLING CONCLUSION! Our long odyssey draws to a close in the FINALS! – NEXT!

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – The Quarterfinals Begin!

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 – Match 19 – Match 20 – Match 21
Match 22 – Match 23 – Match 24

TONIGHT – The bios are done, and all that’s left is BLOODSHED! We proudly present to you a double dose of DEATH and DESTRUCTION as we inch ever closer to the finals!

QUARTERFINAL 1: GIGANT BORGART v. BLOOD LOVE

GIGANT BORGART

giantbernardq

  • Nickname: The Mad Express
  • FPWR Profile: “Tramples rivals like a runaway train.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’3″/331 lbs.
  • A/K/A: Giant Bernard, Prince Albert, Albert, A-Train, Tensai
  • Victims: Mascara Eagle 2Giant Rozhmov

AlbertGigant Borgart, former body piercing enthusiast and hip hop hippo, has made quite an impression in the Briefcase Cup. There’s no question that this international superstar was BIG IN JAPAN. Don’t believe us? Just look at his list of victims: he convincingly defeated FPWR‘s unlicensed versions of Alberto Del Rio and André the Giant. The “Mad Express” has no intention of stopping tonight: it’s scheduled to run straight through to the semis.

BLOOD LOVE

brethartq

  • Nickname: Blood Venom
  • FPWR Profile: “Hero of Canada.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’/243 lbs.
  • A/K/A: “The Excellence of Execution” Bret Hart
  • Victims: Smasher GigasBritish Azteca

IBret Hartf anybody can derail Borgart’s train, it’s Blood Love. A former WWF and WCW champion, he’s often referred to as “the best there ever will be.” A mat wrestling genius, he should have more than enough scientifc skill to match against Borgart’s brawn. While he’s giving up nearly 90 pounds to his opponent, Blood has no problem felling giants: he excellently executed the much larger Smasher Gigas in Round 1. We should have a real pier 2 brawl on our hands here, folks!


 QUARTERFINALING GO!

This was just like the director’s cut of David and Goliath. The one where the sling breaks, Goliath throws David into the barbed wire landmines, and we learn no moral lessons whatsoever. Gigant Borgart becomes a legit legend killer as he delivers a biblical beatdown to Blood Love with a Hawaiian Smasher (which looks a lot like an F5) at 13:02!


 QUARTERFINAL 2: STEEL JAMES v. DYNAMIC KID

STEEL JAMES

doctordeathq

  • Nickname: Dr. Cruelty
  • FPWR Profile: “He’s the most feared rival in the States.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 6’2″/271 lbs.
  • A/K/A: “Dr. Death” Steve Williams
  • Victims: Andy SpiralsDeucy James

DrDeathAt this point, we’re pretty sure this man is not a doctor. In fact, he brutally murdered his last two patients, FPWR‘s cut rate versions of AJ Styles and Petey Williams. If he takes out one more cruiserweight, he might classify as a serial killer. I guess that’s to be expected from a man that was part of a team called the Miracle Violence Connection. Nurse, we need 50ccs of MAYHEM. STAT.

DYNAMIC KID

dynamitekidq

  • Nickname: Mad Bomber
  • FPWR Profile: “Overwhelms opponents with his small body.”
  • Billed Height/Weight: 5’10″/231 lbs.
  • A/K/A: The Dynamite Kid
  • Victims: Curry MaskJorsh Hornet

DynamiteKidIt doesn’t matter if you’re an MMA legend or a… uhh… curry person, Dynamic Kid brings the explosive offense all the same. Dynamic packs a lot of energy into that compact frame of his, and matches up well with just about any opponent. He’s already wrestled a five-star classic against Curry Mask/Curry Man and defeated Jorsh Hornet/Josh Barnett in a brutal slugfest. Whatever tools Dr. Cruelty brings to the operating table tonight, Dynamic has shown us that he’s ready to respond in kind.


QUARTERFINALING GO!

Call the FBI. We’ve got a maniac in a red singlet systematically targeting white males under 235 pounds. Steel James takes a beating (and a headbutt to the pills), but buries Dynamic Kid at 11:06 with an avalanche hold.

NEXT TIME: We finish the quarterfinals!

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns: The Briefcase Cup – Match 17

MATCH 17: “THE MOUNTAIN” GIANT ROZHMOV v. “MAD EXPRESS” GIGANT BORGART

IntroductionMatch 1Match 2Match 3Match 4 Match 5
Match 6Match 7Match 8Match 9Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16

The pleasantries are over.  We’ve met our murderers row of combatants, and now it’s time for us to get down to business. In case you were wondering, Subspace Briefcase is registered as a Subchapter S corporation with a primary business purpose of “brutality.” You’d better believe that business is booming.

Before we get down to said business, we need to discuss how FPWR handles the concept of cumulative damage in tournaments. The instruction manual unequivocally states that “fatigue and damage is carried over to the next round.” Despite this, a great many of FPWR‘s fans disagree with this contention, believing that wrestlers start each round fresh. It’s difficult to find a consensus. Regardless, we’re going to assume that damage DOES carry forward; it just makes for a more interesting narrative.

Enough prattle. VIOLENCE GET!

GIANT ROZHMOV

Briefcase Cup Match 1 - Giant Rozhmov v. Abdullah Danger Screenshot 2015-03-07 14-34-55

AndreLadiesGiant Rozhmov, our favorite André the Giant knockoff, put on quite the impressive performance in round 1. In just 11 minutes and 31 seconds, he dispatched the wrestler with either the most accurate or politically incorrect nickname of all time, Abdullah “The Arab” Danger, with a Canadian backbreaker. He even survived being stabbed with a fork. Rozhmov is a beast, and an incredible threat to all of our competitors. But the real question that we have to ask ourselves? HAS HE BEEN DRINKING?

If Rozhmov is anything like André, we can only assume that he’s had at least 100 beers and several bottles of blended whiskey before this match. Is he in any shape for a second match?

GIGANT BORGART

Briefcase Cup Match 2 - Gigant Borgart v. Mascara Eagle 2 Screenshot 2015-03-07 14-57-52

Giant_BernardAs we’ve discussed at length, Gigant Borgart is a stand in for Matt Bloom; the wrestler formerly known as Prince Albert, Albert, A-Train, Giant Bernard, and Tensai. He’s currently known as NXT commentator, Jason Albert, but I am genuinely curious as to what he puts on his tax returns. Borgart mopped the floor with Mascara Eagle 2 in the first round, polishing him off with a good ol’ fashioned kick to the face in a mere 7 minutes and 25 seconds. I know it’s hard to believe, but Mascara Eagle 2 barely laid a finger on Borgart. Must have been tough to look Mascara Eagle 1 in the eye after that. In any event, we have to assume that Borgart is the fresher man in this match.

We mentioned previously that Bloom was BIG IN JAPAN. This may come as a surprise to American fans, but trust us, dear reader: he was MASSIVE. As further evidence of his Japanese largeness, I present to you his match against current WWE Champion, Brock Lesnar:

While he came up short in that match, to even set foot in the ring with the man they call “The Beast Incarnate” is an accomplishment in and of itself. Hell, he put on a better pefromance than John Cena did!

In case you were wondering, “gigant” isn’t just some goofy translation error. Derived from the Greek gigantes, it’s actually the word for giant in a number of languages. Thanks, Wikipedia!

Borgart, a beast in his own right, is facing off against a tired, forked, and very possibly drunk Rozhmov. They say that legends never die, but Borgart seems like he’s in a very good position to kill one tonight. Let the games begin!


LET’S WRESTLING!

BORGART DOES IT! Gigant triumphs over Giant as Rozhmov falls to the Neck Hanging Bomb at 18:08. Perhaps Rozhmov should have stopped at 50 beers. I don’t think those things have electrolytes. Borgart advances, but at what cost? His limits have been pushed, but have the been exceeded? STAY TUNED!

NEXT TIME: We’ve got a dream match as the King of Beards takes on the Excellence of Execution! It’s BRITISH AZTECA vs. BLOOD LOVE!