Introduction – Match 1 – Match 2 – Match 3 – Match 4 – Match 5
Match 6 – Match 7 – Match 8 – Match 9 – Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 – Match 19 – Match 20 – Match 21
Match 22 – Match 23 – Match 24 – Quarterfinal 1 – Quarterfinal 2
Four will enter, but only TWO will leave! We’ve got a semifinal spectucular of sensational scope for you tonight, as the best of the best, the CREAM OF THE CROP, square off for a shot at glory! TONIGHT!
SEMIFINAL 1: GIGANT BORGART v. STEEL JAMES
GIGANT BORGART
- Nickname: The Mad Express
- FPWR Profile: “Tramples rivals like a runaway train.”
- Billed Height/Weight: 6’3″/331 lbs.
- A/K/A: Giant Bernard, Prince Albert, Albert, A-Train, Tensai
- Victims: Mascara Eagle 2, Giant Rozhmov, Blood Love
When you’ve racked up five distinct pseudonyms, you’re either a failed poet or a legitimate threat to humanity. We’ll let you guess which of those things Gigant Borgart is, but let’s just say that the man writes one hell of a haiku. A lot of fearsome opponents have found themselves smeared on the tracks of the “Mad Express:” Blood. Giant. Mascara. Well, maybe that last one isn’t so menacing. But whatever. This freight train appears to be heading towards the finals. Who dares to stand in its way?
STEEL JAMES
- Nickname: Dr. Cruelty
- FPWR Profile: “He’s the most feared rival in the States.”
- Billed Height/Weight: 6’2″/271 lbs.
- A/K/A: “Dr. Death” Steve Williams
- Victims: Andy Spirals, Deucy James, Dynamic Kid
Tonight, Dr. Cruelty may just get a taste of his own medicine. He’s been administering lethal injections of pain to cruiserweights – he outweighed his heaviest opponent by nearly 40 pounds. Borgart outweighs James by about 60 pounds. Tonight, for the first time, Steel will test his mettle against a larger opponent.
Just because he’s outweighed, though, doesn’t mean he’s outgunned. They don’t call his finish the Murder Backdrop for nothing. Folks, one thing’s for sure: this will not be pretty.
LET’S SEMIFINALS!
Let it be known: barbed wire landmines only make Borgart angrier. Perhaps looking to neutralize his opponent’s weight advantage, James went to the barbed wire early. Unfortunately for him, this only seemed to rouse our slumbering Gigant, who bent Steel to his will at 9:18 with his signature Neck Hanging Bomb.
SEMIFINAL 2: GREAT SHIBA v. KERRY BOGGY
GREAT SHIBA
- Nickname: Super Giant
- FPWR Profile: “The giant from India suddenly emerged.”
- Billed Height/Weight: 7’2/441 lbs.
- A/K/A: The Great Khali
- Victims: G.O. Bright, KAZUYA, Big G. Bull
I don’t know if there’s anything more to say about Great Shiba. Despite his limited wrestling prowess, he’s performed admirably well, taking out three legends, including faux Bruiser Brody. The man is, quite simply, exceptionally large. Nobody in this tournament can afford to take Shiba lightly.
I mean, just look at the man.
Really, take a nice long gander. If FPWR‘s statistics are accurate, that axe has gotta be north of 7’6″. So just remember, when you’re in the ring with this guy, you’re in the ring with a man that can swing an axe taller than the overwhelming majority of the Earth’s population. Shiba is a legitimate danger – but you know what the crazy thing is? His opponent JUST. DOES. NOT. CARE.
KERRY BOGGY
- Nickname: Dr. Nuke
- FPWR Profile: “His deadly power is atomic.”
- Billed Height/Weight: 6’4″/298 lbs.
- A/K/A: Terry Gordy
- Victims: Kerry Texan, Crazy Rose, Sumo
Hey, do you see that? Enhance.
No. The right eye. Enhance,
Closer! Closer, damn you! ENHANCE!
CONFOUND IT MAN! RIGHT IN THE PUPIL. ENHANCE RIGHT INTO KERRY BOGGY’S SOUL!
Whoa.
WHOA…. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH…..! Huh?
No… words… should have sent… a… poet. Our savior has arrived. At the heart of Kerry Boggy’s soul lies the ultimate symbol of American cultural superiority – a completely badass airbrushed van. So pure, so simple… so… I’m sorry, I can’t type any more, the tears are making it tough to see.
At the core of it all… there’s just a sweet ass van. And Great Shiba WILL-NOT-TOUCH-THAT-VAN. USA! USA! USA!
LET’S SEMIFINALS!
Lady and gentleman, I am not a patriotic person, but I submit to you that there is nothing more American than Kerry Boggy/Terry Gordy. I have never been prouder to be an American and a former van owner than right now.
But something tells me that Borgart just won’t care. And you know what, Boggy will probably like it that way. Which is why you should come back next time for the THRILLING CONCLUSION! Our long odyssey draws to a close in the FINALS! – NEXT!