MATCH 9: “LONE STAR” HARRY TEXAN JR. v. “CRAZY BULL” STAR BISON
After a brief hiatus, we are BACK! Tonight, it’s nothing but pure Texas terror as we head into the back half of the opening round. Subspace Briefcase has both kinds of action, country AND western, as Harry Texan, Jr. goes toe-to-hoof with Star Bison! The range is the last place you want to call “home” tonight!
HARRY TEXAN, JR.
Harry Texan’s no-frills haircut and status as a “living legend” lead me to believe that he is a stand in for Dory Funk, Jr.
Long-billed as a resident of the “Double Cross Ranch” in Amarillo, Texas, Funk is a legend of wrestling in any part of the world, Japan or otherwise. Dory held the vaunted National Wrestling Alliance World Heavyweight Championship for an astonishing 1,563 consecutive days – only the great Lou Thesz had a longer uninterrupted reign.
Harry Texan employs a spinning toe hold as his finisher – a decidedly old-school maneuver that Dory employed to great success throughout his career. Take a look:
That sure is an accurately named move. Despite the fact that he was the champion of the “National” Wrestling Alliance, that title is a bit of a misnomer. Dory defended and fought for that title all over the world, including Japan. Got an hour to kill? Here he is challenging Jack Brisco for the title on an All Japan Pro Wrestling broadcast from 1974:
You don’t get to wrestle for an hour unless you are an OLIVE LEGEND. That being said, it’s tough to find decent video of Dory’s Japanese exploits from his heyday. Can we safely declare him BIG IN JAPAN?
By God, we can. Dory still collects a paycheck from All Japan Pro Wrestling. In fact, he currently serves as the commissioner of the Pacific Wrestling Federation, the organization’s quasi-fictitious governing body. In fact, he’s so big in Japan, HE WRESTLED THERE LAST YEAR AT THE AGE OF 73.
Dory’s such a fixture in Japan that he’s dedicated a portion of his website to TEACHING YOU JAPANESE. Clearly anybody that is still wrestling at 73 and is ballsy enough to rock frames and a starfield simulation on his webpage is tough as nails.
Dory Funk, without question, is one of the most successful pro-wrestlers to ever live. But is FPWR giving us ’70s Funk or the early aughts encore? Our next competitor will undoubtedly find an answer for us.
← Is that thar Stan Hansen.
You could make a very strong case for Mr. Hansen being the most successful gaijin ever to set foot in a Japanese ring. But we’ll get to that later. Let’s break down his bio.
Bison’s finishing maneuver is a “Western Lariat.” In the taxonomy of wrestling maneuvers, “lariat” is a genus of the “forearm strike” family. What separates the lariat from its cousin, the clothesline, is that during a lariat, the wrestler actually swings his or her arm forward into their opponent. A lariat becomes a member of the “western” species when it is performed by a cowboy. Lots of wrestlers haven taken on a cowboy persona over the years, but make no mistake about it, Stan Hansen is the definitive wrestling cowboy. Take a cue from Star Bison’s profile and just watch his fatal western lariat burst away:
LARIATOOOOOO! Why is he “Star Bison?” Well, Hansen played college ball for the West Texas State Buffaloes, but I’m willing to bet that’s just a coincidence; “Star Bison” just sounds cowboyish and has the same number of syllables as “Stan Hansen.” His nickname, “Crazy Bull?” Hansen was famous for swinging a bullrope over his head before his matches, but I’m willing to bet this is also just a coincidence; “Crazy Bull” is just a fill-in “western” nickname.
So yes, this is Stan Hansen, and yes, he was (and is) BIG IN JAPAN. Youtube user matsutakekun, who I take to be Japanese, posted this lovingly-crafted highlight video of Stan’s exploits on YouTube:
I could tell you tales of Stan’s amazing success. I could prattle on for hours about his numerous Japanese championships, his incredible 20-year run as one of All Japan’s most successful performers, and that time he nearly knocked out Vader’s eye – but let’s do something a little different this time. Let’s see what his Japanese fans have to say about him by Google translating the comments to matsutakekun’s highlight video:
- Don Leo Jonathan: “But it is one of the most beloved gaijin wrestler in Japanese. It is a nice PV. It is good When the person is me look.”
- 河野利明: “This is the way of life of Hansen! And I read this in this game after Hansen has the indescribable expression is remembered as that of Baba’s look at the red tights of Tagami, were impressed by the hustle Hansen of action! ! And was brought up the four heavenly kings also is not an exaggeration to say that Hansen! ! !”
- kugyousou: “Left arm is aching. Why.”
- fujiko ichigo: “Hansen strong I laugh and cute have.”
- Piatti: “And without resorting to foul, and Uketa also in Japanese because only was game with skill. Delivered to heaven, Texas Longhorn! !”
- ぶるーあっぷる: “We love is overflowing Ow”
- fujita4416: “Western lariat is the best strongest skills.”
Look, if the fact that the red tights of Tagami were impressed by the hustle of Hansen of action, I don’t think I should have to tell you that Hansen is a bona fide Japanese superstar. This Texas Longhorn is truly delivered to heaven. My love is overflowing Ow.
Hey, wait a second, did I see what I think I saw in that video?
Holy crap, I did! Stan Hansen slammed Giant Rozhmo…. err, Andre the Giant nearly six years before Hulk Hogan did! I’ve got a little hunch that Hansen might have taught the Hulkster a thing or two.
So, anyway, Star Bison is serious business, and he’d retired long before FPWR came out. We may be getting him at his absolute best. If FPWR is simulating Harry Texan anywhere near his real age, he may be in trouble.
What do you say we squish a few OLIVE LEGENDS and make ourselves a martini?
Another 5-alarm slobber-knocker! Despite a valiant effort, Harry falls to a western lariat at the 14:21 mark. Harry must have confused those western lariats with western omelettes – he just kept woofing them down. Now he’s nothing but a pile of buffalo chips.
The astute observer will note that both men implemented their finishing maneuvers multiple times – a testament to the strength and endurance of both athletes.