MATCH 17: “THE MOUNTAIN” GIANT ROZHMOV v. “MAD EXPRESS” GIGANT BORGART
The pleasantries are over. We’ve met our murderers row of combatants, and now it’s time for us to get down to business. In case you were wondering, Subspace Briefcase is registered as a Subchapter S corporation with a primary business purpose of “brutality.” You’d better believe that business is booming.
Before we get down to said business, we need to discuss how FPWR handles the concept of cumulative damage in tournaments. The instruction manual unequivocally states that “fatigue and damage is carried over to the next round.” Despite this, a great many of FPWR‘s fans disagree with this contention, believing that wrestlers start each round fresh. It’s difficult to find a consensus. Regardless, we’re going to assume that damage DOES carry forward; it just makes for a more interesting narrative.
Enough prattle. VIOLENCE GET!
Giant Rozhmov, our favorite André the Giant knockoff, put on quite the impressive performance in round 1. In just 11 minutes and 31 seconds, he dispatched the wrestler with either the most accurate or politically incorrect nickname of all time, Abdullah “The Arab” Danger, with a Canadian backbreaker. He even survived being stabbed with a fork. Rozhmov is a beast, and an incredible threat to all of our competitors. But the real question that we have to ask ourselves? HAS HE BEEN DRINKING?
If Rozhmov is anything like André, we can only assume that he’s had at least 100 beers and several bottles of blended whiskey before this match. Is he in any shape for a second match?
As we’ve discussed at length, Gigant Borgart is a stand in for Matt Bloom; the wrestler formerly known as Prince Albert, Albert, A-Train, Giant Bernard, and Tensai. He’s currently known as NXT commentator, Jason Albert, but I am genuinely curious as to what he puts on his tax returns. Borgart mopped the floor with Mascara Eagle 2 in the first round, polishing him off with a good ol’ fashioned kick to the face in a mere 7 minutes and 25 seconds. I know it’s hard to believe, but Mascara Eagle 2 barely laid a finger on Borgart. Must have been tough to look Mascara Eagle 1 in the eye after that. In any event, we have to assume that Borgart is the fresher man in this match.
We mentioned previously that Bloom was BIG IN JAPAN. This may come as a surprise to American fans, but trust us, dear reader: he was MASSIVE. As further evidence of his Japanese largeness, I present to you his match against current WWE Champion, Brock Lesnar:
While he came up short in that match, to even set foot in the ring with the man they call “The Beast Incarnate” is an accomplishment in and of itself. Hell, he put on a better pefromance than John Cena did!
In case you were wondering, “gigant” isn’t just some goofy translation error. Derived from the Greek gigantes, it’s actually the word for giant in a number of languages. Thanks, Wikipedia!
Borgart, a beast in his own right, is facing off against a tired, forked, and very possibly drunk Rozhmov. They say that legends never die, but Borgart seems like he’s in a very good position to kill one tonight. Let the games begin!
BORGART DOES IT! Gigant triumphs over Giant as Rozhmov falls to the Neck Hanging Bomb at 18:08. Perhaps Rozhmov should have stopped at 50 beers. I don’t think those things have electrolytes. Borgart advances, but at what cost? His limits have been pushed, but have the been exceeded? STAY TUNED!