“THE MOUNTAIN” GIANT ROZHMOV v. ABDULLAH “THE ARAB” DANGER
Here at Subspace Briefcase, we pride ourselves in delivering the matches that our fans want to see. Right off the bat, we’re going to give you the most blatant, disgusting, display of violence and identity theft we could possibly imagine. Let’s do this.
You don’t even have to be a wrestling fan to see that “Giant Rozhmov” is nothing more than a loving facsimile of André René Roussimoff: André the Giant. As if the blatant theft of the visage of the world’s most recognizable dead wrestler wasn’t enough, they’ve also nailed a few other key aspects of André’s profile as well.
Rozhmov seems to be based on André’s appearance in the 1970s, when he was in the middle of a 15-year undefeated streak. Though they’ve changed his name to sound decidedly more Slavic, Rozhmov, like André, was born in France in 1946 (the precise date of birth is slightly off). They’ve also billed him as “The Biggest Man in the Entire World.” Is that accurate? I don’t know, but the man that André is facing in the video below was 6″4′ and somewhere north of 350 pounds.
So yeah, he was big,
As FPWR is a Japanese game, one of the things we have to consider when evaluating Rozhmov’s chances of success is “was he big in Japan?”
You god damn better believe it. Rozhmov has to be one of the odds on favorites to win it all.
Sporting what may be the most politically incorrect (or accurate, I suppose) nickname of all time, Abdullah “The Arab” Danger is quite clearly, an homage to “the Sudan’s” own Abdullah the Butcher.
Abdullah the Butcher, despite being billed from “the Sudan,” was actually a Canadian dude named Larry. A legendary figure in the world of hardcore/deathmatch wrestling, Abdullah was probably most famous for repeatedly attacking his opponents with a fork long before we thought it was cool (or staged). And also, perhaps, for his bold interpretation of the term “waistline.”
So was this guy big in Japan? Based on the quality of his opposition, sure seems like it.
ON TO THE MATCH:
That was a real barn burner! Probably because I turned the game speed up to 125%! After a hard-fought battle, Rozhmov snuffed out the world’s most fearsome Candian Arab with a Canadian Backbreaker. That’s not irony, but it sure is… something.
A few things to note:
As you may have noticed, there’s a lot of barbed wire around the ring-posts. There’s also some exploding barbed wire panels surrounding of the ring. This is because every match in this tournament will be a “landmine barbed wire deathmatch.” Why? If you have to ask that question, I don’t think I like you any more.
Keeping with the copyright infringing spirit of this tournament, I’ve chosen “Mexico” as the arena – this means that all matches will be brought to you thanks to the patronage of Conono, la segunda mejor cervesa. This is undoubtedly an homage to the ring of Asistencia Asesoría y Administración (AAA), a Mexican wrestling organization who prominently features a Corona logo in the middle of their ring:
That about does it folks! Tune in next time for MATCH 2 of the most spectacular simulated wrestling spectacular in all of spectacle. Gigant Borgart takes on Mascara Eagle 2. There is no need to write a joke to follow that sentence!